Lindsay Lohan's Big Apple lawyer, Mark Heller, returned to court in California today (March 1) in an attempt to get the case in which LiLo lied to the cops after her 2012 car accident dismissed.

And he failed completely. In fact, it was such a fail that the judge suggested La Lohan find new counsel.

Heller tried to get the case dropped on the grounds that Lohan wasn't read her Miranda rights, but since he knows nothing about California law, his efforts fell flat.

In response, Judge Jim Dabney, who was having none of Heller's “Most respectfully...” brown-nosing, told the lawyer that the trial would go ahead as scheduled on March 18. He added that on that day, LiLo either needs a lawyer who's actually versed in criminal trials and California law or she waives all rights to argue that she was misrepresented later on.

Don't worry, Lindsay. Daddy Lohan is gonna buy you a brand new lawyer.

Earlier in the pre-trial hearing, Heller tried to make excuses, saying that the paperwork had been screwed up by previous counsel (Lindsay's former lawyer Shawn Holley, who hasn't yet screwed up anything we've seen) and that he wasn't 100 percent familiar with California law. All of which Dabney heard -- before basically making the decision that Heller is an incompetent suck-up.

Heller is currently being “sponsored” by a lawyer in the Golden State -- that's required for out-of-state attorneys who aren't licensed in Cali -- but since the woman who sponsored him failed to show up to the hearing and has never actually practiced law, her existence is pretty much useless.

After trying to argue that there was a bias against his client, whom he requested be shown “mercy and compassion,” Heller's strange request of an April 1 court date was denied -- thus ruining his perfect plans for an epic April Fool's joke in which he revealed he's been competent all along.

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