In "why the hell would you do this to yourself" news, Michael Lohan filmed an episode of some show called 'Trisha Goddard' to discover the paternity of a possible love-child of his from 1995 -- and things did not end well.

For anyone.

Kristi Horn, the mother of 17-year-old Ashley, has been saying Lohan is the girl's father for years, a fact which he has vehemently denied up until now. Especially when Horn tried to wrestle some child support out of him.

Despite all this is-she-isn't-she drama, Lohan finally decided to set the record straight with a DNA test. On national television, of course, because when has he ever not wanted that.

In news delivered in a British accent, it turns out he IS Ashley's baby daddy. British accents normally make everything better, but if you've just been told you're the illegitimate love-child of Michael Lohan, there's nothing on earth that could soften that blow.

These are some of the best “you ARE the father” reactions ever.

Kristi immediately starts sobbing while Michael sits there in "shock" and Ashley keeps a brave face but looks like she's about to throw up and cry simultaneously. Who could blame her? She's just been told she carries the deadly famewhore gene.

Michael eventually gets up to hug his new-found daughter -- whose existence he's spent years denying -- and is met with a vehement, “No, no, no ... This is the first time I met you...” before they awkwardly hug.

'Is Lindsay Lohan My Sister?' airs Thursday on NBC.

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