You may know Scott Disick as the baby-daddy of Kourtney Kardashian's two children and that guy who spends his time on 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' looking like a cross between a 1950s greaser and Bruce Wayne's pampered love child. He's also the dude on 'Kourtney & Kim Take Miami' who's constantly on his iPhone making deals for a job we're not even sure he has.

Regardless, he soaks in obscene wealth, and gave a boost to his douche-cred by sharing what he does on a typical day. And it reads like something you'd see in the Onion.

In an article in his own words, Disick told Haute Living what it's like to be him. Hint: It's not that hard and everything costs an assload of money.

Every morning he wakes up at 10:00 a.m. and takes three hours to get ready for his day. He showers, moisturizes with $150-an-ounce Crème de la Mer face cream, picks out a suit which could cost upwards of $5,000, and then chooses "an important shoe." (Imagine how long his routine would take if he actually chose two.)

He claims his wristwatch selection -- Patek Philippe for dressy days or a Rolex for slumming -- is the “most important” part of his day. Then he has to stress about which of the cars from his $1.2 million collection to drive, because it's so hard to choose between the Rolls, Ferrari or Bentley.

We wish we were making this up.

Disick starts work at his questionable job at 1:00 p.m. A job, by the way, he mainly does on the phone, according to him. So all that heartache over the clothes and the shoes and the watches and the cars? Yeah. That's just for him.

His workday stretches until the late late hour of 6:00 p.m. And what does he spend those oh-so-taxing five hours doing?

In his own words, “I have done a lot of private label manufacturing in the nutrition biz and have raised money for startup companies. I tend to invest money into nightlife businesses [owned by] friends of mine that are involved in nightclubs and what not.”

We think he misspelled, "I knock up a Kardashian sister and sponge every dime I can off her."

After having dinner with his family and relaxing from his brutal day, he researches “luxurious items such as cars and watches and private planes and boats” on the internet and watches re-runs of 'Seinfeld.'

Finally, he has a baby harp seal brought before him, which he clubs and has made into socks that he wears to sleep in a bed made of actual gold and blood diamonds by the finest Chinese sweat shop orphans.

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