Paula Deen had her first interview following the controversy over racist comments in a deposition and her subsequent firing from the Food Network -- and to say her conversation with 'Today' host Matt Lauer was a tearfully brutal affair would be a vast understatement.

In the sit-down, Deen apologized (again) for bailing on Lauer last week, citing exhaustion. Which would certainly explain that first awkward apology video.

Before they could get into the meat of things, Paula gave an lengthy diatribe about equality and her goals to clear her name.

"The main reason I am here today is, it’s important to me that I tell you and everyone out there, what I believe, and how I live my life. I believe that every creature on this earth, every one of God’s creatures was created equal,” she explained. “I believe that everyone should be treated equal. That’s the way I was raised, and that’s the way I live my life."

Deen continued, "I am here today because I want people to know who I am, and people that have worked beside me, have walked beside me, know what kind of person I am ... And I am so distressed. People that I have never heard of are now experts of who I am."

In the interview, Paula also said she wouldn't have fired herself and that she's not a racist, despite using one of the worst racial slurs one can hurl.

Once again saying it was a different time, Paula claims she only used the word because she once literally had a gun to her head, but hasn't used the slur since.

At the end of the interview, Paula had a full on break-down that was downright uncomfortable to watch -- she turned directly to the camera and the audience, imploring, "If there's anyone out there that has never said something that they wished they could take back ... if you're out there, please pick up that stone and throw it so hard at my head that it kills me. Please. I want to meet you. I is what I is and I'm not changing."

"If you've never sinned … pick up that rock, pick up that boulder and hit me as hard as you can."

More From StarCrush