We read Star, Us Weekly, National Enquirer, Life & Style and In Touch so you don’t have to. No need to send gifts.
This week, Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana fought over who got the good drugs, the Kardashian house has become the next Survivor Island, celebrities come in all different (and really scary) sizes, Kate Middleton went to the future and had her baby already, and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.
All this time we’ve been watching Amanda Bynes and we totally missed Miley Cyrus’ secret drug problem. And it’s not just the twerking in horse costumes.
There’s been bizarre behavior, violent outbursts and not sleeping for days. This could be because she was seen snorting “white powder” at an NYC party -- according to whatever “source” Star spoke with, of course. It certainly would explain her fashion choices lately.
Also, if you believe Star magazine, Brandi Glanville told Leann Rimes, “I’m hotter than you!” Then she yelled NEENER NEENER, threw some sand from the sandbox, and went to play on the swings.
Oh dear. It seems that Paula Deen had (or is having or is about to have) a nervous breakdown. If only butter and sausage gravy were viable fixes for such things.
Next, looks like country stars, struggling partners and soon-to-be parents Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert are drinking their marriage away. In other words, they've finally figured out how to survive marriage like those of us without money and successful singing careers do.
Us Weekly went inside Kim Kardashian’s new life to show us her first days home with baby. They found her sharing a house with Kanye and her mom and we’re not at all sure who got the raw end of that deal.
They also uncovered her jitters over that name and that she’s obsessed with breast-feeding. Or perhaps that’s Kanye. Anyway, basically the plot of ‘Saw VII.’
After the fright of the first few days of the Babye’s life at home, we were soothed by stories about James Gandolfini and his happy final days. We’ll be decidedly less pleased next week, though, when the warm feelings subside and the tabs start digging up dirt on him to fill pages.
We already knew she’s visiting Nervous Breakdown City, but then we learned that Paula Deen’s race rants were worse than you think. Of course, we don’t know how bad you think they were, so we still don’t have any context for this. But if history is any clue, we're thinking if she was only supposed to have a tablespoon of rant, she probably had at least a cup.
Bethenny Frankel and (almost but not quite ex-) husband Jason Hoppy are having yet another dispute. This time he won’t move out.
We’re not sure what to believe here. We don’t think anyone would want to keep living with Bethenny Frankel, but if there is someone saintly enough to do that on a full-time basis, we'd think she'd want to keep that dude around. Maybe it’s all just a big misunderstanding.
It was another “Fun with Photoshop” week for the National Enquirer as they presented us with all new photos of the best and worst celebrity diets.
Nicole Richie is wasting away. Giuliana Rancic is skin and bones. Nicole Kidman is stick thin. Rebel Wilson “could eat my weight in macaroons.” Kelly Clarkson is cleansing to drop 30 pounds. Someone else weighs only 70 pounds. And we just lost our lunch.
Apparently the National Enquirer diet really works!
Then we were titillated to find out there is a new bombshell after the big racism scandal. Paula Deen used gay slurs too. Doesn’t she know that’s Alec Baldwin’s thing? She should stay off his turf or he’ll Tweet-shout some meanypants things to her too.
Oh. Here we thought it would be at least another week before we had to see the tabs drag James Gandolfini through the mud and we didn’t even make it to the bottom of this week’s stack.
The Enquirer did an investigation – their word, not ours – and found that Gandolfini ignored his doc’s deadly warning. Apparently the ‘Sopranos’ star had a 5,000 calorie last supper. And for dessert, he had a secret plan to divorce wife number two.
Thanks, Enquirer, for making us even more sick to our stomachs. Now we see why that diet of yours is so damned effective.
Is it just us, or does it seem like Life & Style jumped the gun a bit? They appear to have had a premature birth in their headline announcing Kate’s dramatic delivery.
As far as we can tell – and we’re sure someone would have mentioned it by now – the Duchess of Cambridge, along with her family and a security team, did not rush to the hospital. And we have heard no such news of William being torn from his wife’s side (although he will have to be removed from her side at some point if she really is going to give birth, because that can’t be easy with a giant prince stuck to you).
Anyway, if you want to see the future, all the details of the royal birth that hasn't happened yet are inside Life & Style.
We came back from the future to see the L&S exclusive photo album of Nene Leakes’ $1.8 million wedding. Then we laughed and laughed as we did the math to figure out how much more expensive the inevitable divorce would be. (We were jealous of the chocolate fountain, though. Everyone loves a chocolate fountain.)
Next, we had to whip out our Pay-Per-View schedules, because Kourtney and Kim Kardashian are having a mommy showdown. This is a fairly new type of Greco-Romanesque physical competition in which annoying “celebrity” moms go head-to-head in a variety of challenges like shooting milk at each other and seeing who can run away from a dirty diaper the fastest, all while wearing heels.
Oops. It appears Katy Perry has been dumped by text. Her record label says she now has plans to release two new albums since she’s got way too much material for just one. Maybe she'll share with Taylor Swift, who -- in gratitude -- will help remix ‘Firework’ with the new chorus, “Baby, you’re a piece of work. And I think you're such a jerk.” (There's a reason she's famous and we're not.)
Not only is Kim Kardashian dealing with the pressures of a new baby and of living with her baby daddy and her mom, she’s also having a body struggle. According to In Touch, Kim said, “I need to be skinny now.” In fact, the new mom is already dieting in a desperate attempt to keep Kanye from leaving her again.
Of course, we’re pretty sure keeping her mouth busy with food in it is a good way to be less annoying and make him stick around, so she might want to reconsider. (One of us around here kept a marriage together for years this way.)
Aw, more kind words about James Gandolfini. In Touch said farewell to a “gentle giant.” And then went on to go inside his tragic final days instead of just leaving it at that.
(These tabs should really be careful about crossing Tony Soprano like that. We’re starting to feel like at least one cover is going to feature a severed horse head by next week.)
Quelle surprise: J. Lo is single again. Her boyfriend crisis has led her to this sad state. Fortunately, she seems to be in pretty good with the President of Turkmenistan, so maybe she can date him for a while. Who cares about human rights violations when you have holiday parties coming up in a few months? No one likes going to those alone.
Finally, we had a real “yikes” moment when we saw photos of Madonna and Meg Ryan and wondered to ourselves, “Did surgery ruin their looks or was it just really badly timed and photoshopped pictures?” The answer is that we’ll never know.
But we do know Meg Ryan might want to get on the short list to play the Joker in the next ‘Batman’ flick. Because daaaaamn.