We read OK!, National Enquirer, Life & Style, Us Weekly and In Touch this week, so you don’t have to. It wasn’t easy.
Miley Cyrus might have been growing an unholy spawn for a while, Lisa Marie Presley killed Michael Jackson with lies, Xtina left her fat phase so she could be famous again, the ‘Duck Dynasty’ Robertsons claim God is better than fame and duck calls solve everything, Kanye keeps trying to get away from Kim and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe. But you don’t have to read it, because we did. And now we need a nap.
The tabloid week started off with a juicy exclusive from OK! They know all about Miley’s baby trap. The insightful tab told the truth about whether a positive pregnancy test kept Liam from dumping Miles months ago. We know pregnancy tests have come a long way since our moms were hoping we didn’t exist, but we can’t believe even the best one could keep Hemsworth from sprinting from that sinking ship. Also, we bet she took the test with her tongue out.
Khloe Kardashian has a revenge body and OK! knows how she did it. The good news for us is that Spanx and Photoshop are now instruments of revenge, so if there’s someone you’d like to get back at, it is now easier than ever to have someone else make you look hot.
Zac Efron’s rehab secrets have been revealed. This isn’t one of the original steps, but “having the whole world pry into your personal, self-loathing business” has been cited by many professionals as a very good way to make progress in rehab. Efron is hoping to be hounded on a regular basis about his bad life choices. He will follow this up with a strange video of him riding naked on a wrecking ball.
We tried to pretend that we were shocked to find out in the OK! interview that Farrah Abraham’s four-year-old is in therapy. But really, we all knew the child would end up there sooner or later and if there’s any hope for the tyke to make it out of this in any kind of shape, sooner is probably way better than later.
The Jackson family has their next task lined up for them once they’re done suing AEG. The National Enquirer found out that it was Lisa Marie’s lies that killed Michael, not Conrad Murray’s irresponsible drug prescriptions. Apparently a witness’ stunning court testimony revealed how Ms. Presley’s betrayal sparked Jackson’s downward drug spiral, as well as the twisted secret Elvis’ daughter has been hiding. And we know it’s true because the tabs always keep it real.
It looks like someone’s Presidential Library is in jeopardy after Obama’s longtime pal was arrested for a brutal sex attack. The police mug shot paints a pretty grim picture of someone who is probably no longer on the Obama’s holiday greeting card list. If there’s any justice in the world, part of his punishment will be a right hook from Michelle Obama, whose biceps could probably knock is large head clean off.
Poor 220-pound Kirstie Alley is battling a deadly disease. The graphic photos inside revealed that her new medical crisis is not being a size two, despite the fact that she’s a female celebrity. Symptoms of the disease include appearing on camera in plus-sized couture and not giving a crap about what celebrity gossips think about her weight.
To further his treatment, there is more news about Zac Efron in rehab. As mentioned before, having this all hashed out in public is helping the ‘High School Musical’ star, really. We swear. It’s good that we see his “heroin” overdose (though we can’t understand the quotes) in a photo shocker. His dark double life had to be exposed in order for him to suffer in public and ultimately get better. It’s also the only way to have a comeback interview with Oprah.
We almost couldn’t keep eating our cinnamon raisin bagel with extra cream cheese when we read how Christina Aguilera lost 49 pounds. Everyone knows that when a celeb is fat, it’s only a phase and it’s our job to get them to snap out of it. So, bullied and humiliated over her weight, Christina fought back and got her sexiest body ever. It’s good to know we can like her again. Thank you no-starve, wine-friendly diet.
Life & Style also pitched in to help Zac Efron with his rehab. They had photos of squeaky-clean Zac and made sure we knew he was a secret drug addict. This part of the treatment, called “looking at photos of how awesome you were before drugs and rehab everywhere you turn” is also one of the new steps that should humiliate Efron into at least pretending to be clean so we’ll leave him alone.
Ever the victim, Kristen Stewart is in pieces after Rob Pattinson’s steamy night with a model. We’re pretty sure she has nothing to worry about, though. It’s not like a model is going to have any more personality than she does. And, her boobs look large and fake, so she may even have less.
In the next pun-ariffic episode of Knife Styles, L & S revealed that Kelly Rowland said “surgery changed my life.” Based on the lack of difference between her photos, she’s clearly referring to some sort of knee or back surgery that made it easier to walk or dance. If she had surgery on her face, it can’t possibly have changed her life and it definitely didn't change her face.
The “rednecks” of ‘Duck Dynasty’ are sharing what they call, “Our family secrets.” They would like us to believe they put faith before fame, and now the clan’s wild success has only made them closer. We’d like to believe there are a bunch of clean-cut yuppies living under those beards, which isn’t that far of a stretch when we search the internet for old Robertson family photos.
Us Weekly has the inside scoop on Kate’s road trip with Baby George. (Hey, that’s Prince Baby George, to you). There was a lot of crying, pooping and some spitting up. And the baby had some issues as well. As if. We can’t even joke about tarnishing Kate’s rep with crying, pooping and spitting up. It’s just not possible. She’s perfect. In fact, Baby George probably doesn’t even cry, poop or spit up.
Another tabloid jumped in to help with Zac Efron’s rehab. He’s back now, so he can see how everyone is talking about his personal demons and struggles, which is supposedly a big help. We’ll just keep discussing his drug hell and he’ll magically get past it, while feeling totally confident and not at all judged.
We were also treated to an Emmy Special full of the best dressed stars and the hottest parties. Of course, reading about it is way better than actually being there, because we got to wear comfy shoes and it’s always an open bar at home.
It isn’t the tabloids without a Kardashian and this week it was sad times for our fave, Kimmy K. She has been dumped. Exclamation. She had to ask the universe, “How did I end up a single mother?” The universe thought it would be kinder not to reply. Another of her personalities came out when an overwhelmed Kim fell apart after Kanye ditched her, leaving her all alone with the baby. For like, 20 minutes while he went to get lunch for her at In-n-Out. This certainly didn’t help with her body panic and saying things like, “I can’t lose the weight!” She’s the best Drama Mama.
In Touch also felt the need to help with Zac Efron’s rehab by publicly rehashing his secret addiction and digging around inside his double life. The final step is complete. Zac can rest easy knowing that he’s finished the “have every tabloid discuss your drug addiction as if it were any of their business so you can see that you are not a human, but a story to be told and magazines to be sold” step. We’re all behind you, Zac. Don’t turn around.
We aren’t obsessed with ‘Teen Mom 2’ or any other iteration of the show, or really even teenage girls having babies, so we didn’t exactly flip right to Pregnant Kailyn’s (seriously, with that name, of course she got knocked up as a teen – name a girl Pregnant anything and she’s pretty much doomed) wedding album.
Color someone obsessed. A Lohan sister is having surgery to look like Lindsay. It seems like going to the trouble of making yourself look like someone who is regularly in trouble with the law would be a bad idea. Unless you enjoy being mistakenly arrested, then it’s a great idea. Especially if you don’t want to look like Nick Nolte.