A long, long time ago (okay, it was 2011), in an eBay listing far away, a seller claimed to have photographic evidence that Nicolas Cage was a vampire. The photo, which was being sold for $1 million, was taken in the 1870s and claimed to be proof that Cage was immortal. They must have thought 'Vampire's Kiss' was a documentary.

The eBay listing eventually disappeared, but it was later revealed that the old portrait was of Lt. Robert M. Smith, a Confederate Army member who was being held as a prisoner by the Union. So not only is Nic Cage a vampire, he's apparently a vampire who wanted to own slaves.

Cage denied the so-called evidence on 'The Late Show' to David Letterman, claiming vampires can't be photographed anyway. To which we ask, how do you know vampires can't be photographed, Mr. Cage? If that IS your real name?

Hey, if Alec Baldwin can age backward, who's to say that Nic Cage isn't an ageless bloodsucker. It would sure explain an awful lot -- like why he's always broke. Maybe he's just been on a century-long spending spree.

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