Remove his glasses, stick a beard on him and 'The Colbert Report' host Stephen Colbert is basically the self-appointed captain of Beard Team USA, Phil Olsen -- quirked eyebrow, pointy ears and all.

What do you mean you don't know what Beard Team USA is? Have you never watched the IFC channel's 'Whisker Wars' about the world of competitive facial hair growing? No? Well, you're obviously not using Netflix right.

Phil Olsen is the captain of the beards that represent these conjoined states, successfully beating the Germans in beard WWII to establish the United States as the prime beard power of the world.

Political pundit and pretend Republican Stephen Colbert doesn't have a beard currently, but he did once when he was younger. There was also that other time when he slapped on a fake beard for comedic purposes. But mostly, he's only bearded in his other life as Phil Olsen.

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