Missed Connections

YOU: You've made a business out of discovering unknown talent by making people compete for votes on national television. You also managed to bring back the boy band when we least expected it. Your brutally honest -- and usually quite insulting -- critiques of performances make you frightening and refreshing all at once...

YOU: You appear next to the word “aloof” in the dictionary. I’m not judging, but you’ve played a pothead so many times, I’m beginning to wonder if there's some smoke under all that typecasting fire. When you aren't taking classes or teaching classes, you managed to get cast as one of the most intriguing and spellbinding characters in movie history...

YOU: You're the perfect young starlet with talent, looks, fashion sense and smarts, not to mention a wicked wit. A rare combination for your age group. You have excellent archery skills and you make dating a crazy woman seem like a great idea...

YOU: You're the stylish, endearing and openly gay – not that anyone was surprised or really cared - host of a current events show on a well-respected news channel. You’re also the adorable, dimpled host of a daytime talk show that is, sadly, as short-lived as some people's patience for me. But dude, you may want to consider washing your jeans a little more frequently.

YOU: You are the definition of the “whole package” with your teeny tiny adorable smart self. You're a media darling who can do no wrong in the world of journalism, and I admire the way you made the leap from nothing news to morning news to evening news to syndicated news without even a stumble. You’ll have to tell me how you did it -- especially now that people don't seem to like me much anymore.

YOU: Despite the fact that you’re a young hipster with that affable Iowa way about you, we have a lot in common. You lived the '70s on a show, and I live the '70s every day. You married a much older woman, and I prefer dating much younger women – usually a few at a time. You were played Steve Jobs. I can’t hold a job.

YOU: You're the hot young redhead in Hollywood who actually manages to stay out of trouble. Somehow you went from high school movie sweetheart to grown-up love interest in about a minute and a half -- and I think you should know I like it.

YOU: You're the ever-nerdy yet still desirable artsy/moody type we all love to take home to mother. Unlike the rest of us, you’re too good for mainstream entertainment so we don’t get to see you in a lot of shows or movies (except for that super hot voice of yours in every last animated ‘Madagascar’ incarnation). I like you even with all the product in your hair.

YOU: You stayed a virgin until you were 40 and then got all crazy and stupid about love. You manage to make everyone in your office love you and hate you at the same time, while still getting some decent tail. I hope I can make you shout “Kelly Clarkson!”

YOU: I know most of your synapses probably don’t fire anymore after the mass quantities of drugs you’ve shot, snorted and dropped, but I still think we could make beautiful music together.

YOU: You just retired as the face of a successful action thriller franchise, but you seem totally cool with it. You keep busy with cute appearances on TV shows like ‘30 Rock’ and by joining all the women who have done so and shaving your head for a role. I love your accent even though you try to hide it.

YOU: You're a very talented and desirable older woman with an official title. I know you could run circles around me with your work, but I bring ultra-hotness to the table. You’ve played queens and secret agents and I always love it when you boss me around and make me do your bidding.

YOU: You got your start in soap operas, but soon rose to the level of movie sweetheart with several good script choices. Like every man, I’m enticed by your penchant for faking orgasms during diner meals, but you’ve made your fair share of duds -- including a clunker of a marriage.

YOU: I know you live overseas and think you’re British now. I don’t care. I don’t even mind your rock-and-roll husband or that you name your children after produce.

YOU: You've been a TV idol since you were a teenager and managed to stay married to a cocky, long-haired rock guitarist for more than two decades, probably by taking each day as it comes, if you know what I mean. Also, I can totally appreciate how you’ve earned your hot bod.

YOU: You're the uber-conservative host of a massively popular current events show, but somehow, despite your right-wing rantings, I believe we would agree on many things. You aren’t afraid to speak your mind in front of a television audience or even Congress, but you might be just a little afraid of Bill O’Reilly.

YOU: Okay, so you're more than a decade older than I am and you have a bit of a temper. So what? We all get irritated with our kids, the paparazzi and FAA rules sometimes. That doesn't change the fact that you're suave, sophisticated, and have a wicked sense of humor.