Kris Jenner's new talk show 'Kris' has been getting awful reviews, most likely because the whole time she talks about meal ticket daughter Kim while trying not to sound like a giant scripted mess. (Spoiler: Her efforts are in vain.)

So to fix this, she tried to bribe a reporter with cupcakes and a Tiffany pen. (More spoilers: It didn't work.)

In a July 16 column, New York Post writer Linda Stasi skewered 'Kris' by saying it was "so horrible it should come with a hazard warning." As if that weren't bad enough, she added, "It was immediately apparent that Jenner, the Mother of All Relentless Self-Promoters, has as much business with a talk show as her big, talentless bore-of-a-daughter, Khloe, had co-hosting a talent show like 'The X Factor.'"

Jenner's show is in a six-week trial run in selected markets and needs to do well to be picked up for an entire season by FOX. So Kris sprang into action and does what she does best: She threw some money at the problem.

Late last week, Stasi reported that a few hours after her original column about 'Kris' was published, a messenger arrived with a dozen gourmet cupcakes and a $325 sterling silver Tiffany pen. The accompanying handwritten note read:

Dear Linda,

Sorry you didn't like the show. I'm still a huge fan of your column.

Love and blessings,

P.S. When you think I've improved, maybe you will write a better REVIEW with this!

Not surprisingly, Stasi tweeted her astonishment:

Alas, Kris' gift was for naught. As Stasi wrote, "I was concerned. Had Jenner’s publicist fallen into a debilitating coma and wasn’t able to tell her that reporters aren’t allowed to accept bribes — and that, in real life, people don’t get expensive free stuff for media whoring? Well, not all the time, anyway."

Stasi added that even if she could be bought, a pen alone wouldn't do it:

To improve your rating, Mrs. Kardashian-Jenner, either you somehow become interesting, which given the data seems as likely as the pope turning Jewish, or you do better with the bribes.

To guarantee that great four-star rating next time, simply follow this handy, sliding scale ratings chart:

Four stars — A new Lamborghini — and not the model car version either!
Three stars — Two crocodile Birkin bags.
Two stars — Set of very big studs — diamond, not Chippendale’s.
One star — How dare you think I can be bribed!
No stars: Keep on doing what you’re doing.

Sounds like someone's assistant will need to buy some high-end aloe for those third-degree burns.

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