We're running out of ways to call Donald Trump a tool around here. He's not just one tool, he's a whole tool box. An entire tool company. A Black & Decker, if you will.

And his latest "big announcement" proves his screws are still loose.

No longer satisfied to regale the world with his blowhard opinions about everyone from Kate Middleton to Robert Pattinson, Trump said a few days ago that he had a huge reveal about President Obama to make on Wednesday. It was information, he promised, that could change the entire course of the upcoming election.

For those of you who don't keep up with politics (oh how we envy you), Trump has been behind much of the ridiculous "birther" movement that claims Obama wasn't born in the United States and thus isn't qualified to be president. These eye-rolling assertions have been thoroughly debunked, but that hasn't kept Trump from repeating them anyway because he clearly wasn't hugged enough as a child.

So when he said he had something earth-shaking to announce, the safe bet was that he'd circulate more birther crap in the form of a Photoshopped birth certificate direct from Xanadu or Oz or the Land of Narnia or wherever it is he thinks Obama is actually from.

But that theory was tossed aside when a Trump associate said the top-secret information involved the possibility that Michelle Obama might have filed for divorce from her husband more than a decade ago.

Except that's not exactly top-secret -- the president himself talked about their previous marital troubles in one of his books. And on Wednesday morning, Trump himself basically said "No no no, that's not what I have. What I have is BETTER."

Then it was time for him to put up or shut up. And of course he chose the former, and made things even worse by doing it on video and making us look at him, too.

The big bombshell? If Barack Obama will release his college records, Trump will donate $5 million to charity.

"If Barack Obama opens up and gives his college records and applications ... and if he gives his passport applications and records, I will give to a charity of his choice -- Inner City Children of Chicago, American Cancer Society, AIDS Research ... a check immediately for 5 million dollars.

"The check will be given within one hour after he releases all of the records. He'll be doing a great service for the country if he does this [and] it will end the question and indeed the anger of many Americans."

That's it. That's what several days of rampant speculation have gotten us -- Trump saying he's holding millions of dollars hostage that could really help some needy people, and the only way he'll release them is if the leader of the free world kowtows to his demented demands.

Did we say tool? We meant douchebag. (Also, our sincerest apologies to the Black & Decker tool company for besmirching its good name.)

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