We read Life & Style, Us Weekly, National Enquirer, OK! and Star this week for you. No applause necessary.

And what did we learn? Khloe Kardashian won’t take off her bikini, Kate Middleton’s baby bump has been out posing for pictures, Clint Eastwood is divorcing an alien, Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton are spawning, the Kardashians' deep, dark secret of being a totally fake family is out -- and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.

  • Life & Style

    Life & Style

    Khloe Kardashian has lost 30 pounds and is back in a bikini. And, based on the photo, she’s also front in a bikini. Unfortunately, now that she found the diet that has changed her body forever and she finally flaunts her figure, she won’t wear anything but the bikini.

    Everywhere. To the store. To important meetings. Even to court when suing various family members or fighting over the results of paternity tests. She couldn’t even manage to wear anything but the bikini for her Life & Style photo shoot.

    We aren’t fans of the bikini but we are fans of a no-starve, wine-friendly meal plan.

    We can hardly believe it because it just doesn’t seem like something a reality show star would do, but Bachelor Sean is marrying for money. As if the star of ‘The Bachelor’ and now ‘Dancing With the Stars’ would do anything just for the money. We all know he’s getting married so he can finally have the sex he’s been pretending he hasn’t had but totally has.

    Bethenny Frankel says, “My ex is spying on me.” She knows something has been implanted in her chest and she’s sure it’s listening and video devices and not just those really bad bolt-on boobs. On the upside, sometimes she can also tune in radio stations if it’s a clear night and she faces east.

    Get ready to OMG your head right off, because Prince Harry’s going to propose. Marriage? Hardly. More like he’s going to propose we all stop talking about Kate’s baby bump like it’s a spectator sport. He’s going to propose we don’t take any more photos of him while he’s partying in Vegas. He’s going to propose that his cousins stop wearing ridiculous hats to family events.

    Prince Harry has a lot of ideas. He really doesn’t get enough credit.

  • Us Weekly

    Us Weekly

    Speaking of Kate’s baby bump, Us Weekly has new photos. They’ve also started the countdown to baby. According to the magazine, the royal couple is ditching the baby nurse, choosing a name, and shopping for the nursery, among other final preparations. It’s only May. This will go on until July. (At this point, we’re kind of on board with Harry’s proposal above.)

    Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have put their wedding on hold. Most likely because Jen is giving birth to fake twins for the fourth or fifth time and that really takes it out of a girl. She also had second thoughts about that pre-nup, so her lawyers are working hard to draft something that assures her Justin won’t be able to leave her for some skinny orphan-hoarding homewrecker a couple of years from now.

    Just like everyone else, Us Weekly wonders what went wrong with MTV’s ‘Teen Mom’ monsters.

    It couldn’t be that they had children while they were still children and are now stunted in their own maturity, could it?  Maybe it's that their less-than-ideal life choices are being glorified and making them all kinds of cash. Nah, it’s probably just video games and photos of models in magazines. Those are the things that usually make kids go bad.

    And, because we just can’t get enough, there are beach bump photos of Kim Kardashian’s Greek babymoon. They call it a babymoon because the bump is now big enough to affect the tides. The Greek part is (we hope) because Kim likes to eat a lot of feta cheese and souvlaki. Opa!

  • National Enquirer

    National Enquirer

    There are some juicy Hollywood divorce shockers in the National Enquirer. We were hoping to find out all these people were actually married to aliens, but it’s just the normal, not-that-shocking, Hollywood marriage stuff.

    For example, Miranda Lambert might divorce Blake Shelton since his cheating and lies have been exposed, Clint Eastwood could divorce his wife Dina because of her dangerous pill popping and booze habits, and Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are having some divorce attorney drama.

    Thankfully, if you’re on the edge of your seat, the National Enquirer knows whose marriage can be saved and whose can’t. (We still think there are aliens in there somewhere.)

    They also know about the Boston bomber’s creepy obsession with Miss USA. It’s just one more thing he shares in common with Donald Trump (aside from questionable people skills and oddly poufy hair). Someone may want to call Maury Povich and see about arranging a paternity test.

    You probably aren’t ready for this, but former ‘Munsters’ star Butch Patrick is involved in a murder bombshell. Unlike the editors at the Enquirer, we realize that it’s in poor taste to use the term “bombshell” right next to a blurb about a suspected murderer who used a bomb as his weapon of choice, but we have to write it like we see it.

    Anyway, there is a shocking claim by the victim’s sister, which is that someone still remembers or cares who the Munsters and Butch Patrick are.

    It’s not Halloween, but it looks like Maria Shriver has left the house with a mask on. Either that or she’s been involved in a plastic surgery nightmare. Yikes. Of course, it’s possible that the magazine cover staff just put a lot of time and effort into finding the worst possible snapshot of the former Mrs. Arnold Schwarzenegger, but even so, we have to find out what happened.

  • OK!

    Even though they’ve spent the last month or so on the cover of various tabloids for having marital issues, Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton – who deny they have problems – have announced, “Yes, we’re having a baby!” The country stars reveal their big pregnancy news and either discredit all the rumors about their shaky union or prove that celebrities are just like us regular folk and think that having a baby will solve problems rather than create brand new ones.

    The big question is now, can Blake be trusted? Apparently he’s been known to eat babies, or something.

    Aw, Kim Kardashian is pregnant and betrayed. In the tabloid world, these words are considered the same as the date and a barcode -- they must appear on the cover of every issue. The difference is that this time she’s been betrayed by her elastic waistbands, which have left her for a less stressful life.

    OK! magazine knows the real reason Angelina Jolie is so skinny. She’s adopted so many starving kids that by the time it’s her turn to eat, the food is all gone. Also, looking at Brad Pitt’s scraggly hair and hobo beard makes her lose her appetite. We totes understand.

    In an interview, Selena Gomez tells her side of the story. It’s not a long interview because her story is still pretty short, but basically she tells the world that she can beat Justin Bieber at arm wrestling and she has no intention of following in the twerky footsteps of Amanda Bynes. Unless she needs the press, of course.

  • Star


    It must be getting crowded in the woodwork, because someone is coming out: A former Kardashian nanny is telling all! Her new book exposes 15 years of dark and dirty secrets. Probably the darkest and dirtiest of which is that the Kardashians are “a family of fakes.”

    Thank goodness we finally have a book to spell that out for us. They’ve kept that secret under lock and key for all these years because ... what? Is this like the Ark of the Covenant or something? Are our faces melting right now?!

    No? Whew. Then we'll be able to address the fact that Reese Witherspoon is in crisis. We know you’re experienced at identifying such things, but it’s worse than you think. She’s got a movie to promote and tons of free press, and everyone knows a viral video is the worst thing that can happen to someone who needs media attention.

    In other overzealous use of the word “bombshell” news, there’s a ‘Real Housewivesbombshell. Something so shocking that seeing it in print is almost not enough, so it’s a good thing there's photo proof inside the magazine -- because, without it, you’ll never believe that Joe Giudice cheated on his real housewife Teresa again. The italics version of "again." You know what that means.

    If you think you’ve got problems, the Pitt-Jolies have got you beat. Brad and Angelina spend $12,000 on wrinkle treatments every week. These two seemingly gorgeous people are so hideously wrinkled that they must be unrecognizable without their expensive Hollywood skin treatments. If they ever decide to let themselves go, they’ll apparently be able to ferret away more children in the folds of those heinous wrinkles.