In today's crazy lawsuit news, tween heartthrob Justin Bieber is being sued for borrowing the money for a penis enlargement, allowing another person to be sodomized by Usher, and impregnating Selena Gomez.

Oh, and also giving her an STD. On a bearskin rug.

Possibly simultaneously.

These allegations and more were filed by a Michigan man claiming to be Gomez's dad. And while they'd make a stunning piece of fanfic, they're as hard to believe as they are ridiculous.

Selena's faux father says Bieber stole his AMEX card and used it for the aforementioned penis enlargement before generously buying cocaine for Justin and Diddy "to use in drug free school zones.”

The suit goes on:

"Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my canadian bear rug."

Ah HA, smoking gun! We all know Justin is Canadian. So this must be true.

But wait, there's more.

"Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums."

Playing 'Firework' while doing naughty things with a firework? Bonus points for consistency. We're kind of starting to like this dude.

The lawsuit papers finally end with the commentary, “I'm an emotional mess ... America must boycott biebers music!”

Wait. Maybe he's not so crazy after all.

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