Donald Trump might be the only person aside from the contestants who think his pageants are remotely relevant. And today they are, because they earned him another $5 million without much work.

The perpetually rust-colored tycoon won a lawsuit against a former Miss USA contestant who accused the pageant of being rigged. We almost care.

Page Six reports that Sheena Monnin, once Miss Pennsylvania, is forking over $5 million to the Miss Universe Organization after she reportedly defamed it.

Monnin claimed that the contest was fixed after a fellow pageant entrant saw a list of the top five winners before the official announcement. Monnin called the pageant “fraudulent, lacking in morals, inconsistent and in many ways trashy.”

Take away the "fraudulent" part and that can pretty much describe any and all pageants, as well as any and all things having to do with Donald Trump. We're not sure why she was so shocked about that.

Trump sued Monnin in New York, where Judge Theodore H. Katz found that "the method in which the Miss USA Pageant is judged ... precludes any reasonable possibility that the judging was rigged.” He added that Monnin's statements were both "defamatory" and "false," and that they “showed a reckless disregard.”

Trump issued a statement last night, because of course he did. "We cannot allow a disgruntled contestant to make false and reckless statements which are damaging to the many people who have devoted their hearts and souls to the Miss Universe, Miss USA and Miss Teen USA pageant systems," Trump said, apparently forgetting that most pageant entrants, employees and enthusiasts lack hearts and souls.

He added about Monnin, “She was angry that she lost, she went on the ‘Today’ show and she said really bad stuff. You can’t rig the celebrity judges. Ernst & Young tabulate the results, and they were unbelievably upset about her comments. Going to arbitration was the appropriate action to take under the circumstances, and while I feel very badly for Sheena, she did the wrong thing. She was really nasty, and we had no choice. It is an expensive lesson for her.”

Trump often does the wrong thing and is nasty all the time. Unfortunately, you can't sue someone for douchebaggery, so his expensive lessons are probably going to come from a nasty batch of spray tanner.

Now, back to our regular scheduled indifference to sexist bikini contests featuring women who don't understand geography.