We Watched Miley Cyrus’ ‘We Can’t Stop’ Video So You Didn’t Have To [TIMELINE]
The video for Miley Cyrus' new song 'We Can't Stop' has finally dropped, and it's a veritable menagerie of the surreal -- pretty much what you'd expect for a song that talks about "dancing with molly." (Or "Miley," if you wanna take her word for it.) (You shouldn't take her word for it.)
The clip is a bleak, soul-crushing view of a future dystopian world ruled by Miley Cyrus. A world where goats wear sunglasses and not twerking is a capital offense.
For those too impatient or queasy to watch the entire thing, here's a breakdown of the pertinent bits:
:09 - Snarling
:16 - Exploding vagina
:20 - Shrubbery giving birth to grown adults
:26 - Man eating a sandwich comprised of only bread and dollars from Billy Ray Cyrus' future divorce settlement
:28 - Gratuitous product placement
:33 - Someone constructing a giant skull out of french fries
:37 - The skull is thoroughly destroyed, so feel bad for the prop guy
:58 - Woman pretends to slice off her fingers and bleeds Pepto Bismol
1:04 - Ladies dancing while holding that huge teddy bear John McClane carried in the very beginning of 'Die Hard'
1:14 - A disembodied digital head in a 'Phantom of the Opera' mask makes an appearance
1:26 - Gratuitous twerk soup
1:37 - Some taxidermied goats wear sunglasses and ponder their existence
1:48 - Miley tongue-kisses a doll
2:00 - Penis fire
2:06 - A grown man sucks his thumb
2:26 - Wonder Bread orgy
2:37 - Miley smashes a pinata that was filled with hot dogs and pancakes
2:41 - Everyone grapples for the floored hot dogs like old time-y prospectors during a gold rush
3:01 - Miley mistakes some other girl for Selena Gomez and proceeds to beat her senseless
3:11 - The used-up slices from the aforementioned Wonder Bread orgy sit shivering and alone atop a counter
3:26 - Miley grabs for an unsuspecting woman's armpits, hoping to suction off her pheromones
3:31 - Miles closes by pretending she's Sloth from 'The Goonies'
Then, just like that, it's over.
And much like those taxidermied goats in the video, we really don't understand the meaning of life anymore.