As you all know, Kim Kardashian had her baby this weekend. That may seem like a baffling idea, but we're pretty sure we have her parenting style figured out.

Kim knows the importance of looking your best and documenting yourself during crucial moments. 

Kim is not afraid to let a baby eat her face if it comes to that. This baby will be the best-fed baby in Hollywood.

She's filled with valuable advice. Your friends should earn their own damn money for their own damn dresses, Kimye Babye.

When Kimye Babye comes home on drugs for the first time, Kim will have a sense of humor.

Kim knows a little something about being dramatic, so don't even try to pull that on her.

Imagined conversation:

Kimye Babye: "Mommy, should I make a sex tape? That's what you did and then you got lots of money and everyone paid attention to you all the time!"

Kim: "No, Kimye Babye. I made a sex tape so you would never have to do that. I am your sex tape Jesus."

And then Kimye Babye will ask this question, and you'd think after all this time, Kim would have rehearsed a better reaction face, but it'll still be this one:

And then this exchange will repeat itself, proving that Kim Kardashian is stuck in a 'Groundhog Day' situation, doomed to repeat the same 10 years of fame over and over until she gets it right. (Side note: we totally call copyright dibs on a 'Groundhog Day' porn parody.)

Yes, because a big ass means you are legally required to maintain the illusion of "classiness." Or does she mean that a big ass automatically gives you class? The Tao According to Kim Kardashian is very confusing. It's best not to question your mother, Kimye Babye.

Kim will teach her baby healthy eating habits. In order to maintain fitness, please treat your fruits and vegetables like you want to make a sex tape with them. 

Why rush through life and fuss over plans and schedules? Just shrug your shoulders and procrastinate. Don't worry about homework. Someone on the reality TV crew will do it for you!

In case you were wondering why your mom is so difficult sometimes, Kimye Babye, we found this little truth-nugget: