We read In Touch, Life & Style, National Enquirer, OK! and Star so you don’t have to. You can thank us later.
This week, the tabs are still shocked by Cory Monteith’s death, but not so shocked that they won't talk about it ad nauseum. Also, Halle Berry got hitched and actually let us see pictures, O.J. Simpson finally got a death sentence of sorts, Khloe and Lamar's divorce would make the best Kardashian reality show yet and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.
As you'd expect, Lea Michele is in anguish over boyfriend Cory Monteith's tragic death at 31. And just to make sure she never sleeps well again, In Touch boldly assures us that he could have been saved.
Of course, as if that weren't enough responsibility to heap on the poor girl, we're told that she's searching for answers, especially to the question, "Was this my fault?"
Here's a short story about that: No.
Next, we move right on to Halle Berry's wedded bliss. Exclamation. Apparently, the couple said intimate "I do's," but not intimately enough to keep them from appearing on the cover of a tabloid. And we all know how much Halle loves the tabs.
The emotional roller coaster continues with the "ugly" truth inside Amanda Bynes' dark obsession. Which begs the question, how could any truth about AmBy not be ugly at this point? Perhaps her dark obsession needs to involve a quiet padded room.
We haven't been properly keeping up with our 'Teen Mom' role models lately so this news came as a real shocker: The wedding is off. Seems yet another Teen Mom was involved in an immature and unstable relationship and there's the real possibility that one of her decisions may have been too impulsive. WE KNOW. WE'RE STUNNED TOO.
Forget that two weeks ago she was ready to leave the show. Forget that last week she was torn between two men. Now, Bachelorette Desiree says, "Yes, I'm engaged." Actually, she must have squeeed it because there's an exclamation point and a $75,000 sparkler of a ring.
And in case we wanted to be at all jealous of the woman who had to pretend to find love on a reality TV show, it got better when we read about the romantic Caribbean proposal and the 3.5-carat diamond. We also read how she decided between her final two, even though "rock/paper/scissors" would've sufficed. It's not like she'll ever marry the guy who won anyway.
And perhaps because In Touch hounded poor Lea, Life & Style was kind enough to leave her alone and instead regale us with cheerful stories from Cory's tragic final days. Which, while slightly more sensitive to the living, was still pretty tasteless. Stay you, tabloids.
Then, after hearing all about their intimate (yet shared with the press) nuptials, we got to snoop through an obviously very private photo album and gawk at Halle Berry's dream wedding. Surprisingly, there wasn't a single picture of Halle yelling at the photographer to get out of her face.
And we were stunned to find out that Leah Remini was tortured by Scientology. It seems like such a peaceful and well-balanced religion. If they're so bad, how come we've never heard about it before?
Granted, he hasn't been looking all that great lately, but we didn’t expect to find out that O.J. only has 3 months to live. It stands to reason, though, since the Enquirer tells us he weighs 300 pounds and has been stricken by a killer disease. But if it's the disease that made him a killer, seems maybe he's had it a while.
The Enquirer has also exposed the Kardashians. Like there's much left we haven't seen. Regardless, they've apparently fooled America with their lying, cheating and bullying. But that makes no sense. We know they're liars, cheaters and bullies. Where's the part where we're fooled?
Moving on ... leave it to the Enquirer to have all the juicy juice on the 'Today' show. In a bit of tantalizing breaking news, Matt Lauer was caught with a sexy young intern with whom he had a hotel rendezvous and shared flirty texts. Kudos to him for having good taste, at least.
Let's just hope his wife doesn't read the tabs, because this issue supposedly reveals what she doesn't know. So ... it's a keeper for the Divorce Scrapbook, then. (Lawyers love those.)
We certainly didn’t put it past Angie and Brad to have a pregnancy shocker. Seems they’re getting the baby miracle they never expected and are having twins again. Or maybe Angelina bought another set of twins and OK! just got it a little mixed up. (Hey, with all those kids, it's bound to happen.)
We aren’t quite old enough to care about this one, but it was still fun to learn that Rob Pattinson and Elvis’ granddaughter have been dating and are in love. She even has her grandpa's sneer -- which, after dating the perma-scowled Kristen Stewart for so long, is probably what attracted Rob to her in the first place. Old habits die hard and all.
OMG STOP THE PRESSES! RYAN GOSLING MIGHT BE SINGLE AGAIN! Don't tell anyone, but as soon as we’re done here, we’re going into full stalker mode so we can orchestrate an "accidental" meeting while looking super cute. We're sure we can make him forget about Eva Mendes in no time. Even if it involves a little chloroform.
Oh, good. ‘Teen Mom’ turned porn princess Farrah Abraham has more inspiring life stories to pass on to us. This time she tells all about rehab. But hey, good for her for following the trajectory of all good faux-celebrities: reality show, sex tape, rehab. She did them a little out of order but who are we to judge? (Kidding. We totally judge.)
It’s been on some tabloid cover or another for weeks now, so it must be true: Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are getting a $67 million divorce. A messy one, too -- we’ve got Lamar going berserk. We’ve got Lamar’s secret lover telling Star, “He asked me to have his baby.” We've got Kris Jenner calling an emergency family meeting and Khloe confronting Lamar in an epic screaming match.
What we're saying is we’ll just go ahead and watch this while our shows are on summer hiatus.
Meanwhile, looks like the House of Windsor might not be a fan of new mom Kate Middleton’s own mother. Apparently the palace told her to butt out. Then they realized Kate's sister Pippa is the one with the great ass and apologized profusely for their mistake.
Eep. Holy scary pics, Batman. Put on your “yikes!” pants because Courteney Cox had a Botox disaster. We don’t want to believe the photos are of her, but if they are, she needs an ice pack and her money back. She also needs to stop with the Botox -- she already looked pretty frozen and no one over the age of 35 on 'Cougar Town' can actually express emotion with their faces anymore.
Finally ... oh for God's sake. Clearly it's impossible for the tabloids to have even a modicum of good taste, so we got to read more about Cory Monteith’s shocking death. We also found out he was planning to marry Lea Michele. Then there was heroin and blahblahblah LET THE POOR DUDE REST IN PEACE ALREADY.