We read Life & Style, National Enquirer, Us Weekly, OK! and Star so you don’t have to. That's right. We took one for the team.
This week, Prince William is really good at pretending he’s looking forward to and will help out with late night diaper changes, Robert Pattinson is working his way through Kristen Stewart's contact list, Kelly Ripa has a brain disorder that makes her yell and scream and look like a wood nymph, Kim Kardashian is in hiding but we still have to hear about her -- and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.
If you’re one of the seven people in the world still looking forward to the Royal Bundle after all the hype, you’ll be more excited than we were to delve into Kate’s new mom diary in Life & Style.
She’s already written about her last-minute delivery room drama, probably after she saw it happen in her Royal Future Gazing Ball. Also, Prince William is excited for late-night feedings and diaper changes. Probably because he knows he can send a staffer to handle them all.
And if you don’t believe any of this, blame Kate’s family. They’re supposedly the ones who told all.
But hey, there’s no reason the Baby of Cambridge should get all the attention. So it’s important to know that Kim and Kanye are having a $3 million battle over baby photos. (Remember when Kanye said he'd never ever pimp his kid out for money? Good times.)
Then we had to whip out our OMG face because Rob Pattinson dated Kristen Stewart’s friend. Of course, in these kinds of situations, we really should blame the friend. Don't you know it's always the girl's fault? And we all know that if a woman has dinner with a man, there are shenanigans involved. Every time. This has totally not been blown out of proportion.
We tried really hard to find George Clooney and Stacy Keibler’s split a surprise, but even when we read why Stacy said, “I’m done,” we weren’t shocked.
That's what we get for thinking about all the women Clooney hasn’t married. Or the ever-present “is he or isn’t he gay” question. Or the busy schedules that kept them apart. Or even their wooden appearances on the red carpet.
Fine. Next time we'll think think less and just enjoy the surprise.
We looked to the Enquirer for a special report about Kelly Ripa’s battle with an incurable “brain disorder.” The quotation marks are important here, because we couldn’t imagine what sets her off in fits of yelling, screaming and tears. But we were glad to find out about her secret therapy with her husband, Mark Consuelos.
Before you get really concerned about little Kelly, rest assured she hasn’t actually been diagnosed with anything. She just really doesn’t like annoying sounds like chewing. So if you share a meal with her, yo, eat quietly.
In other news, we heard his condition was improving but clearly we heard wrong -- because the headline definitely says Randy Travis had a deathbed drama. Of course it could have been someone else’s deathbed. Or maybe Randy's just been wandering the hospital making trouble with the other sick people. (Someone should really keep an eye on him.)
Oh, good. The National Enquirer has taken its own stab at a tabloid favorite: showing us some beach bodies. They’ve got big ones and little ones and if the pics on the cover aren’t enough, there are more photos inside. But if you’re anything like us, you’ll be done after seeing the very kind pictures of “Guess Who,” “Janice Dickinson” and “Barbara Streisand.” Which of course haven't been altered to enhance the awful at all.
But then we put on our sad pants because there’s new heartache for disgraced TV cook Paula Deen. Then we had our sad pants altered because we weren’t that sad.
Anyway, we learned all about her $17 million divorce bombshell and that she's having a bitter showdown with her furious husband. He doesn't care about the big racism scandal, but she hasn't cooked anything in weeks. And really, a man can only take so much.
This seems like a good time for another story all about the royal baby who isn't even here yet.
Who can resist hearing about a last-minute name choice? And our palms were practically sweating as we read about the Duchess’ delivery room jitters and her fear of being alone (as if). We also thought we'd had enough of the adorable palace nursery, but no ... wait ... yes, we’ve had enough.
This kid needs to arrive so the media can start tarnishing its reputation already.
Next, it seems like a dream come true, except she’s still on the cover of a tabloid: Kim Kardashian is in hiding. But don't worry, Us Weekly knows why.
This seems like precisely the way a Kardashian would be in hiding -- the world would know it was happening and exactly why. And then talk about it. (We’re guessing none of them was ever good at hide-n-seek as a child.)
Last week, we found out the Bachelorette was ready to go home because all the bachelors on the show were scum. This week? She’s torn between two guys.
We can’t tell if some of these “bachelors from hell” have actually changed in a week, were told to “change,” or if the producers were simply really adept at convincing Desiree Hartsock to just choose from the lesser of three asshats and fulfill her contractual agreement. Regardless, we’re placing our bets on her hating at least one of these guys again by next week.
Ooh, Kerry Washington had a shocker of a secret wedding. But wait, where's the shocker here? Washington is beautiful and talented, so we aren’t shocked that she managed to snag a fella. And she’s a celebrity who doesn’t like to spend a lot of time under the tabloid heatlamp, so we aren’t shocked that she kept the wedding a secret.
Still, it’s fun to be shocked, so we pretended anyway. (We owed you one after the blase way we handled the George Clooney/Stacy Keibler split.)
We thought a baby was just a baby, but some babies must have secrets. That’s why Kim Kardashian’s sisters tell the truth about baby North. We’re talking about secrets like Nori already having over 100 pairs of shoes and the fact that Kanye makes everyone sign contracts before seeing her.
And if any of that sounds questionable, just remember it has to be true because it’s only in OK!, and that's how the truth works.
Speaking of kids, Jessica Simpson is at home with her new baby. Well, we assume it’s her new baby. We are talking about Jessica Simpson here, so really, it could be any new baby they were keeping at the hospital.
This just in ...Rob Pattinson is still obsessed with Kristen. But wait. Wasn't he just dating her friends? Come on, tabloid writers. When you guys write different things for different publications at the same time, it's almost enough to convince us you're not telling the truth. (Almost.)
Oh, and if you’re into self-punishment, you could win a day with Kris Jenner. You just have to prove you can make yourself famous for no reason. Annnnd then prove you have the fortitude to spend an entire day with Kris Jenner. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to have a bowl of Wheaties with Bruce instead.
And back to the royal baby. We may be over it, but Prince William says the day it's born will be “the happiest day of my life!” Of course Star has all the exclusive details – as if there are details we haven’t yet heard.
Seems they know the name, the gifts and -- yes, you guessed it -- they’ve seen inside the fairy-tale nursery. Again, the talented Kate traveled to the future and had a dramatic delivery under hypnosis. Hopefully, she forgot all about it when she got back.
We bet Paula Deen will be disappointed to hear that her divorce is totally trumped by Denzel Washington’s $150 million divorce. Who knew half an Oscar was so valuable?
It's no "beach bodies" feature, but it IS another tabloid favorite: Poor Khloe Kardashian has been dumped by Cheating Lamar. Again. If all these stories are right, her husband has as many personalities as the Kardashians have reality shows.
And finally, no one was asking and -- judging by how poorly her last album sold -- no one cares, but LeAnn Rimes is apparently pregnant. Yeah, the photo makes her look bumpy in the tummy, but if an unflattering picture can knock you up, Facebook must be a maternity ward. So maybe Star is jumping the gun here.