We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy granola and baklava this week and here’s what we learned from the National Enquirer, In Touch, the Star, the Globe and OK!

Once again, avoiding the express line has its privileges.

  • National Enquirer

    • After 18 years, someone has found O.J.’s murder weapon. It’s almost like the evidence proves he did it.
    • Kris Jenner, mom to far too many Kardashians, had $250,000 worth of plastic surgery. And, sadly, despite a change in name and appearance, her greedy, useless kids still found her.
    • Brad Pitt walked out on Angelina Jolie amid a booze and drugs bombshell. It’s true because he was caught on film wearing sunglasses and pulling a suitcase behind him, and everyone knows you only do that if your pending wedding is off.
    • Monica Lewinsky's 50 pound weight gain caused by cancer drama. Doctors say she wanted to have a telltale tumor removed, but Linda Tripp told her to just hold on to it for a while.
    National Enquirer
  • In Touch

    • Kourtney Kardashian is pained because her baby doesn’t recognize her own father. If your dad was Scott Disick, you'd try to deny it too.
    • Bachelorette Emily Maynard and her chosen bachelor Jef Holm are over after a blackmail plot is exposed. The blackmail being that the show’s producers demanded they stay together until all the publicity was complete.
    • Based on their first pics together, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are reunited and miserable. Going as a vampire and his wife for Halloween would just be too obvious, so the only thing left to decide is who goes as “reunited” and who goes as “miserable.”
    • Gwen Stefani and husband Gavin Rossdale are in couples' therapy. Rossdale has begged the therapist to convince Stefani that “I’m just a girl in the world” can’t be an excuse for everything.
    In Touch
  • Star

    • Khloe Kardashian and partying hubby Lamar Odom are planning a $67 million divorce blowout. Khloe has vowed, “My divorce, like my ass, will be way bigger than Kim’s.”
    • Jennifer Lopez and boyfriend Casper Smart have a sham engagement. This is, of course, the precursor to their sham marriage.
    • Kristen Stewart was hitting on Jennifer Aniston’s fiancé. I'm Angelina Jolie, and I approved this message.
    • Christina Aguilera and Kelly Clarkson are done with dieting and proud of their curves. That is until someone from Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers or Nutrisystem offers enough money to be ashamed of them again.
  • Globe

    • In a divorce shocker, Rhea Perlman blames George Clooney for wrecking her marriage. Every married guy in America understands exactly what she’s talking about.
    • Alex Karras took his secret hatred for 'Webster' to the grave. Except for when he told it to the source who told it to the Globe who told it to everyone in line at the grocery store.
    • Debbie Reynolds had a hospital drama. But ever the performer, she made sure it ended with a big song and dance number.
    • Dale Earnhardt Junior will never race again after a tragic brain injury. Medical experts say new medical definitions of the terms “never again” and “tragic brain injury” are “next week” and “concussion,” respectively.
  • OK!

    • Kristen Stewart leads a twisted double life. Surprisingly, according to sources close to Stewart, she doesn’t have a personality in the other one either.
    • 'Teen Mom' Maci is torn between two guys. But they attend separate schools, so at least she’ll get to go to two proms.
    • Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are back together. The United Nations has been able to return to its regularly scheduled peacekeeping efforts.
    • Nick Lachey reveals that having a baby changes everything. Especially how much attention the media pays to otherwise forgettable people.