In the Tabs This Week: Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas Are Being Immature and Miley Cyrus Can Spot a Mess
We read OK!, Star, Life & Style, National Enquirer and In Touch this week so you don’t have to. It’s the kind of sacrifice we’re willing to make.
Even with the world’s worst parents, somehow North West became the world’s most spoiled baby, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas are clearly not behaving like mature, boring adults, Miley Cyrus looked in a mirror and a mess looked back, all long-standing celebrity marriages are crumbling like Entenmann cakes, it’s possible the Kardashians have one or two secrets left and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe. But you don’t have to read it, because we did. But only for you.
This week, OK! did some digging and sleuthing and somehow figured out that Kim and Kanye’s baby, North West, is the world’s most spoiled baby. The silver spoon biting babye already has a diamond tiara and $200,000 ruby pendant – to chew on. She’s also got whole closets full of designer clothes. But, we say, let the poor baby be spoiled, she does have to be a Kardashian and have Kanye for a dad after all. Taylor Swift is never coming to sing at her birthday party.
Plus! Kanye wants baby number two. Because he’s always so full of good ideas. We can only hope that if such a thing does happen, they’ll actually name the child Number 2 and we can have some fun with that. Other possible names could be: Go, South, From-the, Wicked Witch Of The, Sunset or Nine.
Finally a fabricated love story we can pretend to get on board with. Sandra Bullock and George Clooney having some romance in Italy. Granted, they’re probably just on a press tour or having some scenes from a movie in which they stand close together shot in Italy, but they’re hot and age-appropriate, so we can all get caught up in this fantasy while we wait for more fake stories about Jen being pregnant.
We can all agree that Kate Middleton looks great just a few weeks after having her baby. But, OK! knows how she did it. We’re talking some really advanced stuff like good genes and a staff of people to purchase and prepare healthful foods or take care of the baby while she makes a salad instead of eating whatever she can reach while she breast feeds at 3AM. Oh, that and just always looking great no matter what.
The lovely Catherine Zeta-Jones is in a private hell. Her divorce is getting nasty – even though Michael Douglas said they were just taking a break – and she’s in an endless struggle with mental illness. The Star says the marriage is rife with drinking, raging fights and cheating accusations. Catherine has told friends, "Michael abandoned me!" And, Michael has vowed to play dirty to keep the kids. Of course, all this is way more interesting than two mature adults who care about each other trying to work out their marital issues in private, so we totally believe it.
Uh oh! Khloe and Lamar have a sex tape. Most everyone in the family thinks it’s gross that they have a copy of Kim’s tape, but really, who doesn't at this point? The really gross part is that instead of making their own, they just dubbed over the soundtrack with their own voices and watch it to spice things up.
The drama never seems to end in the Angelina/Brad/Jen love triangle, even though the drama did actually end eight years ago. And, as always, Angie’s the bad guy. This time, Twisted Angie had sex with Brad in Jen’s bed. We say, put Jen in the bed with you, roll tape and beat the Kardashians at the high-priced sex tape game.
It’s a sad day in Hollywood. There are fears for Jack Nicholson, so he’s retiring and Star knows why. We didn’t read the article. We can’t handle the truth.
Life & Style
We never thought the day would come, but according to Life & Style, Miley Cyrus has finally admitted, "I'm a total mess." We’re pretty sure it was after she spilled something on herself, but still, it’s about time. L & S also knows how a clean-cut child star was destroyed by fame. It’s a pair of destructive forces known as "PR" and "marketing." Of course, an over-sexed video with record-breaking views wasn't enough to keep the tongue-not-in-cheek starlet engaged. According to the tab, fiancé Liam has dumped her saying, "you disgust me."
We can only assume the story is exclusive – since the relationship clearly isn’t – but Robin Thick cheated in front of his wife. We can’t blame the guy. It was a tense game of ‘Go Fish’ that raged on for hours and finally, when she asked if he had any red twos, he said, “go fish” when it was obvious he had some in his hand the whole time. Hey, hey, hey. Cheater.
Attempting to get in on the action – because she never gets the same attention as her sisters – Kourtney Kardashian is telling her family and the world to “keep druggie Lamar away from my kids.” We’re hoping she means her brother-in-law and not some new animated kids’ show with poorly thought-out characters. But, just in case, we will say Druggie Lamar is not a good idea for a character on a kids’ show, Nickelodeon.
Being pretty proud of their pun-y title, Life & Style continued their ‘Knife Styles’ series with Jenny McCarthy’s surgery secrets, including a pointless set of before and after photos that did not show her breasts.
It was more bad news for celebrity marriages in the National Enquirer this week. Faith Hill has been devastated by Tim McGraw’s gay scandal. Exclamation. Apparently he romps with naked men, has some sort of involvement with kinky outfits and has played some kind of bizarre sex game. But just the one game, let’s be clear. The best part was that the Enquirer had raunchy photo proof. An ex-band member threatened to expose some x-rated details, but we just wish someone would get on McGraw for wearing that pretentious, shiny leather cowboy hat.
Next in the series of imploding celebrity marriages, we have Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Things had escalated by the time we got to this tabloid. Now Michael has cheating fears over Catherine’s “other man.” The quote marks confused us, making us unsure if this person is an actual man or if he’s not an "other" but just Douglas himself in some sort of role play gone bad. Anyway, there were intimate photos inside and Zeta-Jones is hot, so we totally checked them out. Thank you, Easter Bunny.
The Enquirer does love its breaking news and this time they had some juicy morsels about Clint Eastwood being busted in a wife swap shocker. It turns out his wife has become a famewhore who loves money and attention and he wanted to trade for his friend’s wife who is more classy and likes to keep a low profile. What can we say? He was feeling lucky.
In a world exclusive, we found out about Vanna White's secret heartache. At first we thought it was that she can’t actually spell, but they say she lost her teen son to a religious cult. It’s possible she thought 'Mario Kart' was a religion and didn't realize she just lost her son to a delightfully cheesy and very addictive video game.
We bookended our tabloid tour with our gossip fave, the Kardashians. We just can't get enough of the tabs reporting pointless stories about their uninteresting lives. This time, in an apparent effort to make them seem more interesting, Lamar Odom has composed a $5 million tell-all that has the Kardashian secrets exposed. Does anyone actually believe this family still has secrets? We watched one of them get urinated on, for Pete's sake. We also can't believe this attention-whore family would panic and say to anyone, "We can't let him destroy us." They like being exposed. That's their only secret.
In Touch had an exclusive announcement that Gwen Stefani is pregnant and will have a baby at 43. Doesn't she know that 43 is like, totally ancient in celebrity years and she should be having plastic surgery, not babies? Even so, we're happy for her, and super excited for all the nursery photos we’ll get to see now. We just love those nursery photos.
Some blonde woman made a shocking claim that she auditioned to be Tom Cruise’s wife. The shocking part being, who would want to be Tom Cruise’s wife? We’re pretty sure Katie Holmes only did it under duress and Nicole Kidman was somehow brainwashed or drugged. Shocking claim, indeed.
We had to put on our "whoa!" hat to read that former ‘Jersey Shore’ star Snooki said, "I'm proud to be 96 pounds." Then we thought about it and decided that’s not so surprising. You get drunk faster when you’re dangerously underweight and that seems just right for ol’ Snooki. Congrats, girl.