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In the Tabs This Week: Jennifer Aniston Got Married in a Secret Sunset Ceremony and Desiree and Chris Are Already Over

The tabloids taught us a lot about Jennifer Aniston's fake wedding, Desiree and Chris' not shocking split and Gia's tragic death this week.
Life & Style, National Enquirer, Star, In Touch, OK!

We read National Enquirer, OK!, Star, In Touch and Life & Style this week so you don’t have to. That’s just how we are.

Expensive divorces are the newest celebrity trend, Jennifer Aniston got married at a special time called Secret Sunset, Jessica Simpson gained back her baby weight in two weeks by mainlining pasta and barbecue, the engagement of Desiree Hartsock and Chris Siegfried was a sham, Khloe Kardashian is disappointed in her cheap divorce and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe. But you don’t have to read it, because we did. We’re brave. We can’t help it.


National Enquirer

 
 
 
National Enquirer
National Enquirer

The new, hot trend in Hollywood is showing your wealth by getting a divorce with a hefty price tag on it and the National Enquirer has the next lucky couple. According to the mag, Faith Hill and Tim McGraw are demonstrating their star power with a $135 million divorce. Added perks with a divorce of this expense include cheating allegations wrecking a 16-year marriage, being "treated like a dog" and a sexy young star to come between the couple. We average Americans can only dream of such opulence.

That sly devil, Harrison Ford, has been making secret visits to a "cancer" doc. We're not sure how the quotation marks apply, but the shocking photos of his neck indicate that "cancer" might be code for "dermatologist." Of course, a rep for the devious, aging movie star denies any health fears, so that means we have to believe what the tabloid says. As always.

The newsstand's favorite dysfunctional couple is at it again as Miranda Lambert begs her hubby Blake Shelton to go to rehab. Apparently the 'Voice' star's boozing is out of control. Seems to us that means his boozing should go to rehab, but maybe Miranda just wants a break from both of them, so off he goes.

Harrison Ford is seeing a fake cancer doctor for non-health fears while Hollywood starlets who are too young to die are passing away right and left. Granted, Gia from 'The Bachelor' wasn't exactly a starlet, but the Enquirer feels that it wasn't her time, even though they know what drove her to suicide. They also have insight into Lisa Robin Kelly's violent last days, for those of us who have an insatiable and morbid curiosity. The rest of us just read the horoscopes instead.

OK!

 
 
 
OK!
OK!

Before you can have your spendy Hollywood divorce, you have to have your spendy Hollywood wedding, and the tabs are still aflutter over Jen Aniston's wedding. Why? Because it’s official. OK! had all the details – invented or not – about the secret sunset ceremony, Justin’s tearful promise and Jen's $1.5 million gift to her love. The real question is, is this something that actually happened or has OK! been daydreaming again? They include a latest baby update, so we vote daydreaming.

Finally, Khloe Kardashian has gotten smart and has told husband Lamar Odom to take a lie detector test. She then plans to ask him if those jeans really do make her butt look big. That should give her all the reason she needs to go Lifetime Movie of the Week on his sorry self.

We wanted to put away all our Justin Timberlake mash notes after we learned that his mystery woman was revealed. To be fair, we don't know if the two are connected beyond the fact that there is a photo of a woman next to a photo of Timberlake on the cover of the tab. But, his name appears right above the words "mystery woman revealed," so it pretty much has to be true, right?

The "why did Gia commit suicide" bandwagon is filling up as OK! joins the Enquirer with their guess at her reasons for taking her own life. It's too bad no one cared enough to figure this out before she did it and maybe help her keep from doing it. We're just sayin'.

Star

 
 
 
Star
Star

Two weeks ago, Jessica Simpson was looking fine on a tab cover having shed a reported – and really unbelievable – 25 pounds in only five weeks. Apparently, if we're to believe the Star, that was about the same as tossing a deck chair off the Titanic because poor Jessica is in the midst of a "diet disaster." Exclamation. She can't stop eating. How dare she be stuck at 178 pounds?! They say the – very human sounding – pop star and new mom binges on pasta, barbecue and chocolate, won’t undress in front of fiancé Eric Johnsonand has a secret plan for lipo and a tummy tuck. All this does is make us want to go out to lunch with the girl and commiserate. But first she has to get rid of that hideous dress.

According to what we saw in the tabs this week, Khloe has a lot to ask of Lamar. By the time we got to the Star, she was begging him to come home after they've spent 80 days apart. Probably so she can kick his backside. And maybe give him back some of his t-shirts she borrowed.

Everyone on the Gia suicide bandwagon needs to slide over. Star is getting on. They had a discussion about the 'Bachelor' tragedy and reality TV's suicide epidemic. The tabs haven't been this jazzed about a young celeb death since a few weeks ago when they went crazy over Cory Monteith.

He's gone from proud papa to suspicious lover. Ever-cynical Simon Cowell is demanding a DNA test. It's possible he isn't demanding the test of his new baby mama, though. In fact, we're inclined to believe he's demanding one from Paula Abdul to prove she’s not from another planet.

In Touch

 
 
 
In Touch
In Touch

We were shocked – SHOCKED – to find out that it is over already between 'Bachelorette' couple Desiree Hartsock and Chris Siegfried. They seemed so solid when she only chose him because her first choice turned her down. But it seems they're on shaky ground. We read that Desiree's relationship with her second choice, Chris, is falling apart as he realizes she never loved him. She just wanted a ring. There are about a million jewelry stores in the mall. Someone should tell this girl there are easier ways to get a ring.

We couldn't believe our eyes when we saw photos of Kim Kardashian in a denim shirt and sweater tied around her waist. According to In Touch, she's had a mommy makeunder. We're very surprised at how baby North has changed Kim. Wait, is that surprise or not really caring? Oh yeah, not really caring.

The most snort-worthy story of the week has to be the In Touch exclusive piece in which Justin Bieber talks and says, "I'm ready to be a dad." Questions they didn't ask but should have included: "Do you know what the word 'dad' means?" "Are you aware that you should finish puberty before considering fatherhood?" "Is it clear to you that most of us do not want you passing on your DNA?" and "Ummm … what?"

The bandwagon got even more loaded with tabloid riders when another tab hopped on with their story of Gia's 'Bachelor' suicide and her tragic last days. It's getting crowded on this ride and we’d like to get off.

Life & Style

 
 
 
Life & Style
Life & Style

Khloe Kardashian took it up a notch in Life & Style this week, saying to the world, "I deserve better." That's right, she deserves better than a $75 million divorce. She's an affluent celebrity and feels she should get a much more expensive divorce. At least as much as Faith and Tim. Of course, the mag has all the details of the shocking prenup, so that might be why Khloe isn't getting as expensive a divorce as she’d like.

And now the Gia bandwagon is officially full. Life & Style is the final tabloid to climb aboard to discuss the 'Bachelor' star's tragic suicide and tell what they know about why Gia is dead at 29. What they should be saying is, "We're sorry we all care way more about you now that you're gone, Gia." Welcome to celebrity.

It was fun to jump from tragic to cute as we flipped through Prince George's new baby album. He looks just like -- well -- a baby. He doesn't really do anything but lie there with that little nose and those chubby baby cheeks. He's a baby. He's cute. He'll never have a moment's peace. It's possible this story was tragic too.

In this week's (completely fabricated) plastic surgery shocker, also known to those who don't gag at puns as "knife styles," L&S has Angelina Jolie's secret nip-tucks for all to see. We saw for ourselves the dramatic difference between Angie looking off to the side before and Angie looking directly at the camera after. Yes. Surgery. That's what that was.

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