We read In Touch, Star, Us Weekly, National Enquirer and Life & Style this week, so you don’t have to. You can thank us later.
Khloe Kardashian has nightmares about blabber-mouthed mistresses, Courteney Cox wears rings on fingers that make us suspicious, Kate Middleton has been abandoned with her baby, Kim Kardashian will only leave the house in a bikini and she’s already on to her next baby bump, Scientology is full of secret gay affairs ... and other celebrity weirdness and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe. But you don’t have to read it, because we did. Now. Now you can thank us.
We were sad to hear that Khloe Kardashian is experiencing her worst nightmare. We wake up in a cold sweat after dreaming about being chased by zombies or showing up in our grade school cafeteria naked, but poor Khloe’s cold sweat broke out when the mistress told all. And sent a shocking letter to Khloe, probably asking her to mail a dollar to the first name on the list and then send a copy of the letter to six other people. Oddly enough, and perhaps this is the real nightmare, the question still remains, will Khloe finally dump her cheating husband? Any day now, we’ll wake up and stop asking.
Much to our barely contained, although not at all identifiable, excitement, In Touch had exclusive pics of the over-the-top party Giuliana Ranic threw for baby Duke, who has turned one. Pony rides and cake. What did we expect? It didn’t say “creative party.”
A tantalizing catfight is exploding on ‘America’s Got Talent.’ And this time it’s not Howie and Howard – how fun would that be? This juicy catfight is all Heidi versus Mel B. The hair pulling alone is as epic as it gets. We can’t wait for the biting and scratching. And accented name calling, that’ll be a good time.
Not one to enjoy being out of the relationship drama spotlight, Kourtney Kardashian is being dragged to court over the possibility that her little one is not Scott’s son. Someone should ask Lamar what he’s been up to between mistresses. You know, just in case.
The tragic news never stops. Now, new moms Kate Middleton and Kim Kardashian have been left alone with their babies, George and North. We couldn’t believe it. We couldn’t imagine these overwhelmed and exhausted, first-time moms struggling as their men leave them for months. And then we realized we didn’t have to as it hasn’t been months, nor are either of these women alone, since we know they both employ staffs of people to help care for their little fortunate ones. Also, we enjoyed the outdated pics of the proud new papas.
In case you hadn’t noticed – or cared – Leah Remini is in a battle with Scientology. We found out that we should be asking if she’s in danger. Is she? Probably. Fake religions can be extremely treacherous. And Scientology is known for taking celebs’ money and locking them away for years. So, it’s kind of like the LA County court system.
Looks like the tabs got tired of wondering if Jennifer Aniston would ever get married, so they have trained their sights on Courteney Cox. There is a photo of an arrow and the word “ring” pointing at Cox’s finger, so she must be getting married. Oh please, please let there be a Photoshopped baby bump soon.
Best tabloid pictorial of the week is in Star. They’ve got the LOL-est pics we’ve seen in a while, illustrating how several celebs went from geeks to gods. We hadn’t lived until we saw Robin Thicke looking like that awkward guy from high school who was too lazy to get his hair cut. Or wash it. Hey hey hey hey.
We finally know the truth. Us Weekly has figured out why Kim Kardashian is hiding. It’s not that she decided to stop torturing us, but that she is now being tortured by her body. Which means she probably has as much disdain for herself as we do. Of course, this torturous body has let go of 30 pounds in two months, which is unbelievable, but that’s not enough for Kimmy K. The new mom won’t leave her house until she gets her bikini body back. Frankly, we’re rooting for the body to keep torturing her so she pulls a groundhog and stays in for at least six more weeks.
They couldn’t get Jen to admit she was sporting a baby bump and not “a little extra weight” and they can’t get her to tell them when she’s getting hitched, so the tabs decided the best they could do was get all the details of the birthday bash Aniston threw for fiancé Justin Theroux. There was a not surprising celebrity guest list of the usual A-listers and other to-be-expected, and not-that-exciting, party type activities. We can’t argue with the benefits of having a photo of Jen on the cover, though.
Back in Catfight Land, new details have surfaced in the Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez scratch-out. Apparently it was Bieber who destroyed their friendship. They couldn’t decide who was more annoyed by him. We’d have to give the edge to Selena, but we can’t blame Taylor for trying to get a little validation for her annoyance.
Someone is ready to propose. And, in other related or not related news, Us Weekly knows how Mila Kunis changed Ashton Kutcher. From where we sit, the only thing that seems different about him is that he’s a bit older and has some more money, but apparently she’s worked some sort of magic and turned him into a completely different guy. Maybe they should have called the movie ‘The Great and Powerful Mila’ instead of ‘Oz.’
We were so thrilled to see that the tabloids had more Scientology stories for us this week. The National Enquirer has risked its own life and limb to release Scientology’s secret celebrity files. Don’t they knowt that Leah Remini is in danger for simply talking back? Releasing secret files about sex scandals, divorces, drugs and gay affairs found in the cult fortress after a police raid can’t make anyone from the magazine feel safe. We do commend them for finding really good shocked and suspicious photos of Scientology celebs to use on the cover, though.
Catherine Zeta-Jones’ and Michael Douglas’ $300 million divorce is getting ugly. Which is way better than reading about a pretty divorce. Currently, they’re involved in a custody battle shocker, in which someone has claimed, “you’ll never get the kids.” We don’t know who said it or who’s not getting which kids, but still, it’s shocking. Usually custody battles don’t involve someone not wanting someone else to get the kids. And never during an ugly divorce.
There are even more secrets revealed in the Enquirer this week. We also learned the secret behind Oprah’s amazing comeback. It’s that, pretty much, she never left. And also, she has all the money.
In a gravitational shocker, we learned that Britney Spears collapsed as ex-husband K-Fed remarried. (Does he still answer to K-Fed? Is that not over?) According to sources close to the singer, as anyone ex-spouse can, Britney sensed when her former husband had finally remarried and she was overcome with relief at no longer owing an exhorbetent amount of spousal support.
It was back to Kim Kardashian in Life & Style and it seems our wish for her not getting her bikini body back and leaving the house will come true as it is barely eight weeks later and she’s already ready for baby number two. That’s right. According to the tab, after a miserable first pregnancy, Kim has stunned her friends with a surprising announcement. Also, we learned why she said no to Kanye’s proposal. We don’t have the stomach to tell you what he was proposing.
The super smart editors at Life & Style have figured out why ‘Bachelorette’ couple Desiree and Chris are doomed. If they guessed that it’s because the two were part of a reality show that manufactures relationships for ratings, they win today’s Obvious Award. Even so, we’re hoping for a ‘Bachelor’ and ‘Bachelorette’ double wedding, followed six months later by a ‘Bachelor’ and ‘Bachelorette’ double divorce. Not that we’re cynical.
We got to see the very first photos of future king Baby Prince George at home. They were taken in his nursery. It looks the same as all the other photos of the nursery we’ve seen, except there was a baby there.
In some hard hitting, and puntastic, knife style reporting, we wondered if Rose McGowan is addicted to surgery. We can’t be sure yet. It’s possible she’s just addicted to photos of herself marked “before” and “after.”