It’s a big day in any man’s life when his roster of girlfriends is trimmed down to single digits. That’s where Tuesday night’s episode of ‘The Bachelor’ began, with Sean and his nine damsels of distress heading to Canada in the second of a back-to-back night of episodes.

The whirlwind romance between Sean and the ladies shifted north to the Canadian Rockies where all of his dates took place and it finally dawned on me that the real reason women are so desperate to win this show is because they get to fly all over the world on ABC's dime.

Date #1 – Part 1

Catherine won the honors in this one-on-one date, which is pretty ironic, since it was their first actual date alone together. Usually when you’re dating someone, you actually spend some time alone (right, Manti Te’o?), but in the world of ‘The Bachelor’ you can actually have a boyfriend even though you've never been in a room with just him. And the omnipresent camera crew, like in every healthy relationship.

Catherine was brought out into what appears to be a blizzard in some sort of frigid locale that looks like the place where Jor-El lived. Sean arrived, driving a snowbus, and took her to a glacier where they played in the snow. Sean said, “This is what I want from a wife.” Because we all know the single most important characteristic in a mate is someone who can help you build a snowman.


Part 2

The date went well. Like, "I can't wait to tell my best friend in homeroom tomorrow" well. At one point, Catherine declared, “I can’t imagine not falling in love with him.” They took a horse-drawn carriage to an ice castle with a roaring fire inside. She then showed off her serious side by telling Sean about how she saw her friend die by getting hit by a tree when they were kids.

As we’ve come to expect from Sean, he was moved and handed her the rose, all while admitting his faith had been restored after the rough week in Montana.

Date #2 – Part 1

Sean continued to make the women duke it out for his heart by pushing them to their physical limits when they took a canoe ride on Lake Louise. When they got to shore, they had a surprise waiting for them: Sean announced they would take the Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge, in which they stripped to their skivvies and submerged themselves under the freezing water.

I'll go out on a limb here and say that if I ever made that suggestion to a woman, I would’ve been slapped so hard the sting would’ve felt twice as bad because of the freezing temperatures. But that’s just me. I've never courted two dozen women with daddy issues on a reality show.

After getting briefed about proper safety, the women and Sean all stripped to their bathing suits (hmm, if it was a surprise, why did they all have bathing suits?). Selma, perhaps sensing no guy is worth possibly losing senses in her extremities, didn’t participate, but those who did felt a rush that was probably a zillion times better than swapping spit with Sean. Of course, the irony is she wasn't excited about taking a dip in the frigid cold, saying her people are from the desert, yet when she was whisked away on a date to the desert with Sean, she complained there. So, basically, room temperature is her thing.


Everyone enjoyed it -- except Tierra, who appeared to have what can only be described as a bad reaction. She had trouble breathing, was hunched over and unresponsive (basically, any woman who can't get on 'The Bachelor'). Lifeguards carried her away while she shook, although it couldn’t have been THAT serious, since they merely brought her back to her room.


The other girls felt Tierra was only trying to get attention from Sean, which is exactly what happened. Way to write up the game plan, T. The 49ers could've used you last Sunday.

Sean checked in on her and they shared some laughs when she felt a little better, although he insisted she skip the second part of the date.

Part 2

While in a lounge, Sean and the ladies began the evening with a toast, part of their commitment to drink more alcohol in a given episode than everybody on ‘Cougar Town’ in an entire season combined. Lesley told Sean how into him she was and Sarah showed pictures of her family and herself as a little girl.

That move proved to be fatal. More on that in a minute. Geez. Patience.

Tierra, being Tierra, decided to show up at the date, which stunned the girls, who were now more convinced than ever she faked the episode after jumping in the lake. Lesley even dubbed her a “Tierra-rist,” which is actually so clever, I’m jealous I hadn’t thought of it yet. Lesley wound up getting the rose, with Sean announcing to all the girls the two of them had turned a corner.

Okay, back to Sarah. At the end of the night, Sean broke protocol and summoned her to a room where they could talk. He said he wanted it to work with her, but it just wasn’t clicking, so he was sending her home right then and there in a move that had her up in arm (YES I KNOW THAT WAS MEAN I'M SORRY).


Sarah was devastated and said she was tired of people always telling her how great she is and she’ll one day find someone great. I'd like to mock her more, but I do have a heart. Also, I looked it up and found an obscure "one arm, one joke" rule.

Date #3 – Part 1

Desiree scored the date in a move that drew some heat, since Daniella had yet to get a one-on-one yet.

Sean and Desiree repelled down a mountain to get to a waiting picnic. They stopped periodically to kiss and made all sorts of cheesy metaphors about how climbing down a mountain is like falling in love. L-A-M-E. (And what is it about the amount of dates on 'The Bachelor' involving climbing up or down ridiculous heights? Kind of weird, right?)


They got to the picnic, climbed a tree, made out some more and looked like they were back on the same page after a rough patch in Montana.

Part 2

The dashing duo went to a teepee with a roaring fire inside (it was a good episode for roaring fires). Desiree told Sean she was poor growing up and, yep, you guessed it, he was so moved by her vulnerability that he gave her the rose.

Cocktail Party

Selma broke from her prior pledge and gave Sean a light kiss on the lips. Lindsay told Sean she wouldn’t kiss him, since they did a lot of that earlier. AshLee, perhaps thinking it was the 3 a.m. Cinemax portion of the show, gave Sean a blindfold in a twisted metaphor allowing him to take the lead in their relationship. He carried her to a couch where they kissed, at which point my demure wife declared, “What a man-whore.” Yes. That.


Rose Ceremony

Looking back, Selma may regret her decision not to jump in the water. Or maybe her kiss was just awful. Whatever the reason, she failed to get a rose. The same can be said for Daniella, who never really got a chance to show Sean what she’s all about. And by “what she’s all about,” I mean what her brand of crazy is.

At the end of the episode, Sean had perhaps the best line on TV in 2013 to date when he looked at the remaining women and said, “You’re the six for me.” Who says romance is dead?

We'll find out which women will continue the pennant chase for his heart next week when they head to St. Croix. And while we don't know who will get eliminated, we do know there will be yelling from Tierra, so you can go ahead and prep for that.