We read OK!, the National Enquirer, Us Weekly, Life & Style and In Touch — so you didn’t have to. You’re welcome, you ingrates.
This week, Jennifer Aniston cemented her status as the world's most fake-fertile celeb by getting fake-pregnant yet again, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag amassed an artillery worthy of a militia, Bobbi Kristina got pregnant, Bachelor Sean decided to save himself for marriage probably based on his options, Bruce Jenner realized he was married to a madwoman and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.
Stop everything, Jennifer Aniston is expecting twins! Yes, she’s pregnant. Of course, the editors at OK! have once again confused “pregnant” with “not pregnant,” but that’s a minor detail in the exciting story about how Jen’s kids will not be nearly as spoiled as Brad Pitt’s kids. Most likely because they don’t exist.
And speaking of babies, expectant royals William and Kate went on an exotic “babymoon.” Which is probably the delicate royal way of saying Kate stayed in a luxury suite and threw up a lot while reading tab pieces about how Jen Aniston is obsessed with the royal baby-to-be.
One Hollywood couple who isn’t expecting – much like Jen and Justin – is the too-beautiful-to-look-directly-at Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds. If you’re hoping to find the magic they’ve found, you can start by going inside their marriage and learning how they make it work. Of course, they’ve got money, looks and hired help, so their answers are likely to be “we keep it real and go on a date night once a week” and “we always read the paper together on Sunday, no matter what.” Because that's what marital bonds are made of.
And, finally, just in case you thought romance was dead, don’t believe the rumors. Kim and Kanye are speaking out and the breakup rumors are false. The same rumors no one's talking about but they felt compelled to address anyway. It's what they do.
The National Enquirer brings the room down a bit this week, but a scoop is a scoop. Whitney Houston’s daughter, Bobbi Kristina, is pregnant and suicidal and took part in a mental ward drama (a comedy would've just been weird). We haven’t heard she’s preggers but there’s a photo of her with a muffin top, so it must be true. Besides, everyone knows the only time female celebs carry weight on their bellies is when they're knocked up.
In other super depressing Enquirer news, shocking new court papers have charged Dolly Parton in a sex attack horror, exposing her secret. And that's how she found out she really COULD suffocate a grown man with those things.
We know what Brad Pitt was doing too. He went on a drunken rampage after catching Angelina Jolie with an ex-lover. The lover isn’t named, but in our minds it’s Jennifer Aniston and they were sharing more than coffee and stories about how Brad drools in his sleep. We’re surprised Pitt wouldn’t want to stay sober so he could remember something like that.
And, to keep the depression going, we find out the real reason the Pope will be the first of his ilk to resign in 600 years. He has a brain cancer bombshell. Tabloids sure do like their "bombshells." But this makes it sound like he's banging the centerfold of Cancer Magazine. (She’s more than just a pretty tumor, you guys.)
The girls of ‘The Bachelor’ were all stunned to learn that bachelor Sean is a virgin and saving himself for marriage. They might also be stunned to learn that the show is a total set-up, but we’ve all seen the contestants they chose for the totally real competition.
Anyway, the producers send them to these “Fantasy Suites” where we assume they sit around talking about how they’re all “saving themselves” and then laugh hysterically at how that sounds. 'The Bachelor' franchise could very well crater if these dolts have to actually talk to each other instead of just hopping into bed.
Amy Poehler got bangs and now we really can’t stop imagining her as the First Lady. Maybe that means Tina Fey could be the President. And then she could take away all of Spencer Pratt’s guns – which he showed off in a British documentary – because neither he nor Heidi Montag have the collective brain power to match all that fire power.
Melissa McCarthy was bullied for her weight, but she’s really rich and popular so she let the rest of America defend her because who cares about her weight and everyone knows Rex Reed is an asshole anyway.
Finally, Us Weekly did some crack investigative reporting and found out the Grammy feuds that TV didn’t show: Adele fought with a hotel manager who wanted her to return the bedspread she was wearing, Taylor Swift fought the boundaries of public humiliation during her opening number, and Katy Perry's rack fought the laws of gravity with her peek-a-boo dress. Science!
Rumors aren’t just the stuff of OK! Magazine. Life & Style has them too. Like the rumor that’s rocking ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey.’ You probably won’t believe it, because this kind of thing just never happens in New Jersey, but Melissa cheated on Joe. And it may have something to do with her ex, Brian, although he might only be there because L&S found a pic of him. Joe is devastated and Melissa is scrambling. The rest of us are just wondering what else is on.
Poor pregnant Kim Kardashian has been dragged to court. We know some states have really antiquated laws that somehow managed to stay on the books, but we can’t recall ever hearing of a state that requires pregnant women to be dragged to a courthouse. That's like something you'd see during the Scottish Highland Games. (Put that on 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' and we might actually watch.)
Bachelor Sean – from ‘The Bachelor’ for you blissful under-rock dwellers – said he was engaged. Details of his contract with ABC have not been revealed, but experts predict that Bachelor Sean will say he's not engaged about 25 minutes after it expires. Also, it’s possible he’s engaged to his new virginity and we shouldn’t get too excited.
We SHOULD get excited about accessories that pop because we feel it’s about time bubblewrap purses, shoes and scarves get the attention they deserve. Get a whole outfit and you could render the airbags in your car obsolete.
In Touch is definitely in touch with the obvious. They have discovered that Bruce Jenner is married to a madwoman. Seems Kris Jenner forced him to get plastic surgery - clearly so he’d look even more like a Halloween mask – and made him leave his other family behind. She also controls his spending, probably because she’s run out of places to store boxes of 1970s-era Wheaties. Bottom line: She's become the new Lance Armstrong of destroying Olympic athletes.
Taylor Swift’s Grammy diss of Harry Styles backfired and Harry won. We’re not sure anyone really wins in this sordid relationship, but we do enjoy it when things backfire around Taylor Swift.
Something else that’s backfiring is Jenny McCarthy’s sex life. The former Playmate says she’s done with men. Being involved with Jim Carrey didn't do the trick? On the upside, maybe Brad Pitt will catch her with one of his ex-lovers.
In other news, skinny celeb moms have gone too far. Those women need to eat something with carbs before we start throwing our accessories that pop at them.