We read OK!, Us Weekly, National Enquirer, Life & Style and In Touch, so you don’t have to. That’s just how we are.
This week, the tabs are practically giddy over Lea Michele's grief, Kris Jenner drinks as much as her family makes America want to, the Royal Baby is pretty much made of gold, Dolly Parton is hiding things from us -- and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.
Oh baby. The Duchess had her tiny newsmaker, so it was clearly time to find a new baby to talk about. That means, in an exclusive story, Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds have some surprising big news to share.
Yes, Hollywood’s most perfect couple is pregnant. You can tell it’s true because there’s a photo of an arrow pointing right at Blake’s belly. Her very thin, toned and flat belly. But still, AN ARROW. So it has to be true.
Aaaaaand…we’re back in the Royal Nursery. Only, they must have changed it since the last 67 times we’ve seen photos in every other tabloid, because OK! has revealed it in their exclusive report. Who knew looking at photos of where a kid sleeps was America’s new favorite pastime?
There’s another heartbreak for Lea Michele. We'd like to tell you more, but we couldn't bear reading about it because for eff's sake, hasn't that poor girl been through enough?
So we skipped right ahead to the Kim Kardashian kidnapping shocker. We had hopes of her with her mouth taped shut, being held (comfortably) in a room, cut off from the world – and, more importantly, her blog and Twitter account.
But alas, it was just a shocking story about how her kid actually naps like a normal baby and is the only member of the family who can stay quiet for more than 30 seconds at a time without a cash reward.
It’s a good thing we’re at least this tall because we got to take another ride on the ‘Bachelorette’ roller coaster.
First, she didn’t want the guys. Then she did want the guys. And now, the guys don’t want her. Poor Desiree has been rejected and was devastated after the man of her dreams spurned her and made a shocking exit from the show. Good thing we didn't eat before we got on this thing because dayyyum, that's a lotta twists and turns.
And uh, it was neither exclusive nor shocking so we just can’t imagine how it made the cover -- but even so, it’s a boy and Us Weekly chronicled Kate’s first days as a mom.
Turns out that since baby Prince George is an actual human baby and not, you know, an ocelot or something, her days were the same as most other mom’s first days. Crying, feeding, pooping, napping, repeat. (Oh, and the baby did those things too.)
Annnnd back to poor Lea Michele. Because her sadness is supposed to be some kind of new fascination for us – even though it totally isn’t – we got to read about her sad goodbye and how she’s coping.
We skipped again because this is the kind of thing we just can’t look at. She’s sad. We get it. What more is there to know? Hugs to you, Lea.
Oh hey, now we know why Adam Levine spent all his change in a payphone. He was trying to call home to ask newly-crowned Victoria’s Secret angel Behati Prinsloo to marry him. And you know the rest -- he made a surprise proposal and now he’s engaged.
Yeah yeah, whatever. Hurry up and decorate a nursery so we can see some pics.
The National Enquirer has apparently cornered the market on melodramatic medical situations involving celebrities who used to be tabloid fodder, but really aren’t headline news anymore.
Proof? This week, we found out Dolly Parton had secret cancer surgery. And no small cancer surgery, either -- it was a five-hour operation to save her life. What's more, she’s in the midst of a devastating medical crisis she’s hiding from fans, but obviously not from people who know other people at the Enquirer. Priorities!
Moving away from real or imagined medical crises, no tabloid story was as fun this week as the story of the boozing Kardashian mom. We were in absolute stitches reading about out of control Kris Jenner – even she gets to have multiple personalities in the tabs - and how she vomits on designer clothes and blacks out on the bathroom floor.
The Enquirer calls it being “in danger.” We call it being "in college.” We can only hope for a photo collage next week.
The doctors didn’t see this in the sonogram, but Kate gave birth to a billion dollar baby boy. The silver spoon in his mouth may have been small, but the price of precious metals seems to have skyrocketed. It must have, because the untold riches of the new prince have been revealed. In the nursery. (Of course.)
Aw. Sad news. This is the end for Donny and Marie Osmond. In yet another awkward "brother and sister who are too uncomfortably like a couple" move, they're splitting like bitter divorcing old marrieds. No, seriously. They may never work together again. Maybe it was that heated, decades-long dispute over who really IS a little bit country and who's a little bit rock and roll.
We tried to ignore it, but it’s finally too much. Life & Style is convinced we absolutely HAVE to read about Lea Michele’s final goodbye.
They think we want to go inside Lea’s breakdown as she sees Cory for the last time. They think we haven’t already figured out that she would lean on his grieving mother for support. They think it’s okay for us to gawk at her grief.
Blergh. More hugs to you, Lea.
Sick of the royal baby yet? Too bad, sucka. Because L&S pores over the Royal Delivery and all the details of the new prince. But ... wait. What's this? No pictures of the royal nursery?!
WE WANT TO SEE THE NURSERY! WHEN WILL WE EVER GET TO SEE THE NURSERY?
Oh. Sorry. (Hey, you write about this stuff every week and see if you don't eventually yell.)
Meanwhile, there's some juicy ‘Real Housewives’ courtroom drama as Jason Hoppy, soon-to-be ex-husband of Bethenny Frankel, made some explosive new claims. It’s the kind of stuff that makes you realize that he really should be compensated for his pain and suffering and he’s not just trying to get a big chunk of her money. (Or not. We're not in your heads.)
After the nausea passed, we hopped back on the ‘Bachelorette’ roller coaster and read about a fresh shock: Desiree’s chosen man, Brooks, made out with a cougar.
Look, we all find big game cats fascinating, but getting physical with one is dicey. Your face gets covered in spit and their breath smells awful. Plus, big teeth and claws. (Then again, maybe all that is less frightening than pretending to be engaged to a Bachelorette.)
This week, Khloe Kardashian is considering her life without Lamar. Turns out that it’s pretty much the same, seeing as how he was always out partying and whoring around anyway. (Allegedly.)
But in true celebrity belly button contemplating fashion, after her marriage is rocked by a cheating scandal, Khloe struggles to move on and finally put herself first. And you know how hard it is for a Kardashian to put herself first.
Oh hey, another “special” story about the Royal Baby and Kate’s baby joy. Okay, not really. This time we got to read about the dramatic delivery, the name and more insight into Kate’s first week as a mom. You know, with the crying, pooping, napping and whatever the baby was doing. Lather, rinse, repeat.
In other super original tabloid reporting, we find a story about Cory Monteith. This time, In Touch leaves poor Lea alone and instead focuses on the shocking details of Cory’s double life. Because, really, he’s dead now and can’t defend himself so he's totally fair game. (And we thought exploiting Lea's pain was classless. Be you, InTouch.)
Finally, a new topic of discussion: Is it cool or cruel for Gwen Stefani’s son to wear makeup? Hey, to each his own. The way we see it, the worst thing that can happen here is the kid will get a guest spot on 'RuPaul's Drag Race.'