We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy turkey loaf and pumpkin bread this week and here’s what we learned from the National Enquirer, In Touch, the Globe, OK! and Us Weekly.

Yet again, avoiding the express line has its privileges.

  • National Enquirer

    • Kirstie Alley has a reason for dishing the dirt in her sick, twisted tell-all. Here it is: She was running out of ways to stay famous.
    • Bruce and Kris Jenner are in the midst of a $155 million divorce bombshell. And that's just the combined cost of all their plastic surgery.
    • General Petreaus’ mistress is part of a murder plot shocker. It turns out John Grisham is her biographer.
    • Michael Vick’s dogs have a happy new life. After telling Vick they’re never ever ever getting back together - like ever - they’ve scheduled interviews with Oprah and Katie Couric and have a new show on Bravo.
    National Enquirer
  • In Touch

    • Scott Disick is mad because he wants to propose and Kourtney Kardashian wants a prenup. Sources say when she asked why he was even interested in her money, he yelled, “I learned it by watching you!”
    • Katie Holmes has given Suri a new name. According to the actress, “Suri was a stupid name. What is she, a song from ‘Oklahoma’?”
    • Justin Bieber begged Selena Gomez to take him back. He sent her a cake decorated with the words, “Come on, I'm not ready to come out of the closet yet.”
    • Something mysterious has happened to Matthew McConaughey. Somehow he’s managed to have a successful acting career despite showering twice in 10 years.
    In Touch
  • Globe

    • After his re-election, President Obama betrayed a dying Bill Clinton and stabbed Hillary in the back. In other words, they're shooting the reboot of ‘Dallas’ at the White House.
    • A new book reveals Tony Bennett’s shocking secrets. He's about 400 years old. He'd better have some by now.
    • Brooke Shields is in agony after her dementia-stricken mother died. Now she’ll only have herself to blame for any age-inappropriate choices she makes.
    • Diane Sawyer is caught up in a drug and booze scandal. You know it best as ‘ABC World News.’
  • OK!

    • Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are having a baby. They should be able to suck the lifeblood out of it in about 47 seconds.
    • In the middle of a weight-loss drama, Angelina Jolie has put Brad Pitt on a diet. She’s trying anything to mask his terrible new haircut.
    • ‘Teen Mom’ Leah is dealing with a pregnancy and a split. And the world asks, “Do these people do anything else?”
    • Prince William and wife Kate Middleton might make a pregnancy announcement in December. Or January. Or February. Or March. Or April. Or May. Or …
  • Us Weekly

    • The ‘Real Housewives’ of Atlanta have dirty secrets. And they'll reveal them all once their new contract is firmly in place.
    • Us Weekly knows why Selena Gomez dumped Justin Bieber. She reportedly sent the pop crooner a cake frosted with the words, “I’m tired of having a gay boyfriend. And John Mayer should be available soon.”
    • Ariel Winter has been in the secret hell of a child star. She reported back saying it’s lined with the tears of Drew Barrymore, Judy Garland, Todd Bridges, Lindsay Lohan, Macaulay Caulkin and River Phoenix.
    • Anne Hathaway really wants a baby. To boost her fertility, she’s planning to spend a semester or two at the high school where the ‘Teen Mom’ girls went.
    Us Weekly