We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy rice cakes and flashlights this week and here’s what we learned from the National Enquirer, In Touch, the Star, the Globe and OK!

Even when the store is packed, avoiding the express line has its privileges.

  • National Enquirer

    • Cher is embroiled in a sex cult scandal. She’s disturbed by the group's required Sunday morning meetings, fondness for wearing full coverage clothing and conservative, non-sexual behavior. The rest of us call this "church."
    • Jessica Simpson’s dad has confessed that he’s gay. And now we know who’s using her Daisy Duke shorts while she loses that baby weight.
    • Kim Kardashian’s wedding will involve twins. And by "twins" they mean ... oh never mind.
    • O.J. Simpson had a secret hit list. Which became un-secret when he actually started, you know, hitting people.
    National Enquirer
  • In Touch

    • ’Teen Mom’ Farrah got a new face. She didn't understand that a few Biore pore strips would take care of those blackheads.
    • ’Bachelorette’ Emily is being tortured by her former fiancé Jef. He's accused her of stealing the second F in his name, but friends say she doesn’t even want his F because she’s always shouting, “Get the F outta here or I’ll call the cops!”
    • Justin Timberlake had a sweet surprise for Jessica Biel during their fantasy wedding. It was something in a box. You can guess the rest.
    • Honey Boo Boo went wild in Hollywood. But nobody noticed because she acts just like all the other women there, aside from only needing a dollar to make her holler.
    In Touch
  • Star

    • Hollywood housekeepers tell all kinds of juicy secrets about their celebrity clients. Then Hollywood housekeepers showed up in unemployment lines.
    • Newlyweds Justin and Jessica are fighting already – about his mom. She’s been trying to teach Jessica the best back-of-the-head slap for keeping JT in line, but Jess hasn't quite mastered it.
    • There's a meth shocker involving Britney Spears. Surprisingly, it’s the one thing she hasn’t taken.
    • Macaulay Culkin has begged his ex Mila Kunis to dump Ashton Kutcher. "Come back to me," he said. "I look just as homeless as Ashton does.”
  • Globe

    • Queen Elizabeth is dying and Camilla has an evil plot to seize the throne. An inside source says no one has yet told her that it’s not an apple or a salt lick.
    • President Obama told his wife Michelle that if he loses the race it’s her fault. She said that when he gets home from his campaign, he’ll enjoy some private time sleeping on the couch in the Oval Office.
    • Willie Nelson found out he has a secret family. He’s amending his tax settlement now.
    • Sometimes celebrities are photographed without makeup. In a shocking report, they take on a human form and just blend right in while waiting for lattes at Starbucks.
  • OK!

    • Kim Kardashian has a $20 million surprise wedding in the works. She’s just waiting for her show’s producers to tell her when ratings need a boost and who the groom will be.
    • Amber of ‘Teen Mom’ fame has been betrayed by Gary, who is sleeping with the babysitter. Somehow, against all odds, these people don’t have their lives together.
    • Kate and Pippa Middleton are having a scandalous and shocking feud. They’re considering having someone leak photos of their naked bums to the press so the world can decide once and for all whose is better.
    • There's an exclusive scoop as to why Robert Pattinson forgave Kristen Stewart. “Because the studio said I had to do it in order to promote the film,” he said, adding, “Wait. I’m sorry. Kristen who?”