We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy chicken soup and Vapo-rub this week and here's what we learned from the National Enquirer, In Touch, the Star, the Globe and OK!

As always, avoiding the express line has its privileges.

  • National Enquirer

    • Marie Osmond is having electric shock treatments. Due to the fact that all Osmonds have an omnipresent vacant grin, doctors can’t tell if the treatments are working.
    • A 200-pound Kirstie Alley collapsed in a kidney failure bombshell. All three ‘DWTS’ judges thought the All Stars competitor made a good effort, but felt her moves lacked style.
    • Will Smith had a secret arrest and did jail time. Looks like moving in with his auntie and uncle in a town called Bel-Air didn’t keep him out of trouble after all.
    • A dognapper sent a photo of a cute pup at gunpoint to its owner and the dog’s life was saved. The perp now faces hard time, and Sarah MacLachlan is doing a benefit song for hostage dogs the world over.
    National Enquirer
  • In Touch

    • Teresa Giudice of ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ found out her husband betrayed her with her “worst enemy” Melissa Gorga. Turns out it was a big misunderstanding. Teresa asked him to put a hit out on Melissa and instead he hit ON her.
    • Brad and Angelina put their wedding on hold. They’re waiting to see what Jennifer Aniston does for her nuptials so they can do theirs better and more self-righteously.
    • Mariah Carey fears for her life. In a surprise shocker, Mariah Carey actually has a life.
    • Russell Crowe and his wife Danielle Spencer have split. Each other’s lips in a bar fight. Like every other Tuesday.
    In Touch
  • Star

    • Taylor Swift two-timed her Kennedy boyfriend with his Schwarzenegger cousin. Taylor is currently spending some time away from both of them to play Eenie Meenie Miney Trust Fund.
    • Kelly Osbourne has a sexy bikini body. During a recent talk show appearance she bit its head off and spit the head into the audience.
    • Demi Moore is lonely and suffering a tragic relapse. People close to the jilted cougar fear she is considering reshooting her roles in ‘G.I. Jane,’ ‘The Scarlet Letter’ and ‘Strip Tease’ and combining them into one catastrophically terrible film.
    • After his split from Rhea Perlman, Danny DeVito is planning to move to the Big Apple. Sources say he’s looking for a small apartment for a short-time stay.
  • Globe

    • President Obama and Mitt Romney are hiding things. And they did not approve this message.
    • Elizabeth Taylor had shocking secrets like a suicide attempt, an affair with Reagan and a hatred for Shirley Temple. The "shock" being there are things about Elizabeth Taylor that haven’t already been leaked by money-hungry ghouls.
    • The Waltons reunited after 40 years to share their triumphs and tragedies. The end of the joyous gathering was marred when no one said "good night" to John Boy.
    • Jerry Lewis’ heart was broken after a cruel snub. A representative released a statement for the slighted star which said, “Hey, laaaady!”
  • OK!

    • Kim Kardashian has a fear of being pregnant and alone. She is also terrified of not being the center of attention for more than 12 seconds.
    • Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are in sex therapy. They swap notes at press events to see if either of them is actually benefiting.
    • Bill and Giuliana Rancic want more babies. Their plan at this point is to take anything a Kardashian finds first. (We told you Kim couldn’t stand to be out of the spotlight.)
    • Katie Holmes has a new man. She'll go public with the relationship once he perfects his couch-jumping skills. The dismount is still a little rough.