We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy mud masks and fair trade coffee this week and here's what we learned from the National Enquirer, In Touch, the Star, the Globe and OK!

Avoiding the express line always has its privileges.

  • National Enquirer

    • Famous people have had some shocking plastic surgery. Also, unflattering photos taken at the wrong angle can look freakish.
    • The ‘Sons of Anarchy’ killer led a twisted life and kept chilling private journals. In addition, he put his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. Creepy.
    • Divorce papers reveal that Katie Holmes got unbelievable things in her divorce from Tom Cruise. Like her dignity and the go-ahead to stand up straight again.
    • Britney Spears is jealous of Simon Cowell’s new girlfriend, Carmen Electra. Brit wishes she could just have a nice normal life like Carmen's.
    National Enquirer
  • In Touch

    • ‘The Bachelorette’ cast members J.P. and Ashley went to a dream location to enjoy a ring and an amazing dress and now they’re having a baby. In an attempt to make this interesting, publicists for the couple plan to secretly replace the baby with Folger’s Crystals.
    • However, Emily and Jef from ‘The Bachelorette’ fought in public, broke up secretly and had some scandalous polyamory. In order to pare down this silly relationship process in the future, ABC is now planning a new show following one woman’s courtship rituals called ‘The Bachelorette/Bride/Divorcee: What You Know Is Going To Happen Anyway, Reduced to 13 Episodes.’
    • We found out who’s really lying on 'Real Housewives of New Jersey.' And now we’ve been given shovels to dig our own graves.
    • Drew Barrymore and Reese Witherspoon have baby joy over a boy and a girl. Their secret hermaphrodite lovechild is healthy and happy and already working on a book deal.
    In Touch
  • Star

    • Jessica Simpson’s fiancé was caught with his ex. Jessica is now wondering how many Weight Watchers exercise points she gets for 20 minutes of moderate storming out.
    • Katy Perry considers herself lucky to be alive after having a romance with a killer. She was fearful after embarking on a journey to love herself, but then found out that having a killer bod isn’t actually life-threatening.
    • Instead of Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart took her dad to a concert instead. Paparazzi flashbulbs led to the honest mistake, and as she later told friends, “I felt such a platonic, non-sexual connection with him that I just assumed it was Rob.”
    • Madonna’s daughter Lourdes plans to pay for college herself. When asked what school she was considering as her top choice, she said, “The University of Wherever Madonna Isn't.”
  • Globe

    • There is a shocking reason why Ethel Kennedy refused to marry Andy Williams. Like the rest of us, she also hadn’t realized he was still alive at the time.
    • New evidence indicates Princess Diana was murdered in the ambulance. The evidence also indicates British people will say anything to make it seem like they have new information about Princess Diana.
    • Barbra Streisand cheated on her husband, did drugs and took a gay lover. That’s right. One lucky fan has finally made it into Babs’ inner circle and subsequently been named king of the queens.
    • Former ‘One Day at a Time’ star Bonnie Franklin is fighting a brave battle against cancer. Sources say she’s taking things one day at a -- oh, hell. Nevermind.
  • OK!

    • Some ‘Teen Mom’ teens are homeless, doing drugs, and getting married on TV. The rest have really screwed up their lives.
    • Rosie O’Donnell wants to buy Honey Boo Boo’s family a house. Hopefully on Pluto.
    • Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have been torn apart. Pieces of them are still being collected after an unfortunate (or maybe not) visit to the San Diego Zoo.
    • There are new details about Jennifer Aniston’s wedding. According to her, she’s getting married on the 10th of “I’m Not Effing Telling You!” It’ll be a destination wedding in beautiful “None Of Your Damn Business,” and she’s registered for “Now Get the Hell Out Of My Face.”