What the Tabloids Taught Us While Waiting In Line This Week
We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy dietary supplements and ranch dressing this week and here’s what we learned from In Touch, Star, Us Weekly, National Enquirer and Life & Style.
As ever, avoiding the express line has had its privileges.
- Kris Jenner’s dirtiest secrets have been exposed. Secrets? This woman has secrets? Unless they involve alien probing, she’s already paid to air them on at least two reality shows.
- Selena Gomez has been getting her revenge by spilling Justin Bieber’s secrets. Again with the secrets. Thanks, Selena. Like we didn’t already know way too much about the Biebs. What did we ever do to you?
- A new tell-all reveals that Tom Cruise has magic powers. Like making some people believe he’s actually sane and likes girls.
- Ice-T and Coco want a baby, but are they ready? If Coco will be breast-feeding, she’s ready for an Octomom-sized litter.
- Angelina Jolie is pregnant with what will be the couple’s seventh child. First all the fake pregnancy rumors involving Brat Pitt’s ex Jennifer Aniston, and now this. He sure does make women fake fertile.
- Justin Bieber has been involved in drugs, lies and cheating. See? We told you we knew too much.
- Jennifer Lopez is in pain because she is so tormented by Ben Affleck’s success. A friend of Lopez’s said she overheard the singer scream into her pillow, “AND I HAD TO SUFFER THROUGH ‘GIGLI’?!”
- Tiger Woods has a new celebrity girlfriend. People who know the golfer say that after a bad slice and a blow to the head, he often confuses the words “celebrity” and “stripper.”
- Adrienne Maloof of ‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ claims Brandi Glansville tried to destroy her family in a fight that TV couldn’t show. Most viewers admit they wish that all of ‘RHoBH’ was something TV couldn’t show.
- Khloe Kardashian-Odom says that husband Lamar never cheated on her. He’s not stupid. Most NBA stars don’t actually marry their retirement accounts, so he has to be nice to his.
- Kelly Osbourne is secretly engaged. Well, not anymore.
- In a ‘Teen Mom’ train wreck, one of the teen moms says she won’t give her baby up. None of her family members or friends have the heart to tell her it’s not a puppy.
- Michelle Obama had a jealous blowup over the President and a Hollywood beauty. Witnesses say she then exploded with laughter and said to the slight woman, “I could crush your head with my bicep. Carry on.”
- Barbara Walters had a dramatic brain injury after a horrific fall. And just like that, she could pronounce Rs and her career was ruined.
- Rachael Ray was involved in a swingers club sex scandal. Her publisher intends to release the resulting “how to” book for scandal-starved housewives by next winter.
- Drugs are destroying Michael J. Fox. If those drugs are responsible for his hilarious Taylor Swift diss, we’ll all for ’em. In fact, we’ll buy more and see what he says about everyone else.
Life & Style
- Khloe Kardashian-Odom says she has experienced the worst week of her life. She says she now knows what we all felt like every time we watched her on ‘X-Factor.’
- Jessica Simpson has passed on exclusive baby news that begins with “It’s a …” And ends with “… puppy! Take THAT, Teen Moms!”
- Katy Perry and John Mayer might be moving in together already. Only seeing her on nights and weekends has left him with a lack of embarrassing quotes for interviews.
- ‘Bachelor’ Sean is being duped. That one-armed woman on the show is actually a Bond villain.