We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy wrapping paper and tape this week and here’s what we learned from the National Enquirer, In Touch, Star, the Globe and OK.

As always, avoiding the express line has had its privileges.

  • National Enquirer

    • John Travolta has been linked to four Scientology deaths. All of them had reportedly threatened to sue Tom Cruise.
    • Kate Middleton only weighs 96 pounds and her twins’ lives are in danger. Every woman knows the boobs are the first thing to go when you lose weight.
    • Mickey Rourke is in the midst of a cancer drama that involves shocking photos. Although experts agree that it's difficult to tell when you're looking at a shocking photo of Mickey Rourke.
    • A Powerball winner has an arrest secret. Well, he did have an arrest secret.
    National Enquirer
  • In Touch

    • Jennifer Aniston and Kate Middleton are finally both pregnant. Except one of them still isn't.
    • Ashley Hebert and J.P. Rosenbaum of ‘The Bachelorette’ had their dream wedding. Funny, our dreams never feature product placement.
    • Lindsay Lohan has reached a new low and may spend the holidays in jail. She’s looking forward to having her first sober Christmas since she was 8 years old.
    • Stars like Taylor Swift and Stacy Keibler are scary-skinny. They are also still frighteningly famous.
    In Touch
  • Star

    • In addition to being fake-pregnant, Jennifer Aniston has also been busy starting some kind of wedding war with Angelina Jolie. According to the tabloid's sources, Aniston has brilliantly figured out to make love and war.
    • The Palace has confirmed that Kate Middleton is pregnant with twins. Hopefully neither of them will have their father's hairline.
    • Angus T. Jones’ preacher has a criminal past. Confirming that Jones actually met him through Charlie Sheen.
    • In yet another ‘Dancing with the Stars’ cheating scandal, it's been discovered that Melissa Rycroft’s win was rigged. A source from the show says fans were able to “cast votes” for her, which caused the show’s producers to declare her the winner for no other reason than she got the most votes.
  • Globe

    • George Bush senior pleads, "Let me die at home." Stay classy with those headlines, Globe.
    • Dolly Parton insists she is not a lesbian. When she talks about loving her big girls, she really does mean her breasts.
    • Larry Hagman’s widow thinks he’s still alive. She’s convinced the whole incident was just a dream.
    • We found out what the 40 biggest scandals of 2012 were. Without having to hear from our mom how we were involved in 20 of them.

  • OK!

    • Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are planning a big wedding and have a baby update. According to every tween girl’s diary.
    • Brad Pitt reveals wedding details in a new interview. He and George Clooney will finally take their bromance to the next level.
    • The truth about Kate Middleton’s baby is exposed in a royal shocker. The first sonogram revealed that it will be born with not only a silver spoon, but an entire silver place setting for 12 in its mouth.
    • Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting closer. To not still being a thing any more.