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It’s Possible That Even Johnny Depp Can’t Convert Lesbians. Now Our Whole World Makes No Sense.

Johnny Depp Amber Heard
Pascal Le Segretain, Getty Images

Seems that even though we all assumed Johnny Depp sexed the lesbian out of Amber Heard, he may not be the defier of all known laws of human attraction after all.

Sources say that even though he’s crazy about her, she refuses to enter into a committed relationship with him. Because why buy the cow when the milk is free.

In this metaphor, Johnny is the cow. You can make your own filthy-minded assumptions about the the milk.

According to the ever-reliable (it’s not reliable) Radar Online, the newly-single Depp is head-over-heels obsessed with Heard, who’s fine with hooking up with him but wants nothing more concrete from their couplings.

“Johnny and Amber have been having a lot of fun spending time with one another, but Amber keeps telling him she’s not interested in being with him in a monogamous relationship,” says a source, who alleges that Heard — whose last long-term relationship was with a woman — still doesn’t find peen all that enticing. Even the one attached to Johnny Depp.

The source continued, “[Amber] has no interest in committing to a guy … [She's] is a free spirit when it comes to love, and refuses to label herself as gay, or even bi-sexual, but it’s a fact that she is more attracted to women than men.”

Johnny may be committed to this whole thing, but we’re pretty sure he’s not gender-reassignment committed.

Do tell us more, Source.

“Amber has even been trying to limit her interaction with Johnny, in an effort to not give him the wrong idea, but he doesn’t seem to get the hint … She considers him like an older brother that she can get up to mischief with – nothing more.”

Wait, what? An older brother she has sex with? Is this part of that whole hillbilly porn trend? We’re starting to doubt your veracity here, Source.

All of this flies in the face of other insiders who claim the pair are in fact “officially together” and even recently set up joint housekeeping in a palatial pad in Nashville.

That really makes a lot more sense than the weird claims of brother-banging, but if in fact Amber still prefers the ladybits, it would certainly put a muzzle on all those dolts who think lesbians just haven’t found the right guy yet. So maybe there’s a silver lining in this whole confusing mess after all.

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