We read Us Weekly, Life & Style, National Enquirer, In Touch and Star this week, so you don’t have to. We’re givers.
Pretend to be excited because Jennifer Aniston is pregnant again, Kate Middleton is ready for Baby Number Two so she can keep up with Kimye, the rate of inflation of celebrity divorces has skyrocketed, Khloe Kardashian has a secret baby now so don’t tell, people are still leaving their houses in bathing suits even though we don’t want to see them and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe. But you don’t have to read it, because we did. You don’t have to thank us – but you should.
We were surprised to find out that it’s that time again already, but right here in Us Weekly, there it was. Jen’s big secret. Pregnant! It’s been a few weeks since the last flare up of Aniston mommy rumors, so we should not have been shocked to see it on the tabs again. Dare we believe that after years of trying, she’s finally going to be a mom at 44? Nope. Not even after we read about how she’s prepping for baby and a wedding.
The Jessica Simpson and whats-his-name – errr…Eric Johnson – wedding is back on. Jessica set a date, so it’s for realsies now. Unless she gets knocked up again and becomes too giant for any existing Vera Wang gown. For some reason, designers refuse to make round dresses for ballooned celebs to wear in off-white weddings.
We couldn’t believe it, but Miley Cyrus has been dumped. Liam Hemsworth left her. We can’t imagine why. She’s always seemed so level-headed and easy to live with. And really, what man wouldn’t want a woman who can ride a wrecking ball like it’s Ron Jeremy? C’mon, Liam. Get your act together.
Of course, it stands to reason that a former Hef girlfriend and “star” of ‘Girls Next Door’ would get married in Disneyland. Because she shares the same innocence, wonder and giant melons one can find on critters wandering the streets of the Magic Kingdom, Holly Madison had her wedding at Disneyland and Us Weekly has exclusive photos. She seemed to have enjoyed herself, but it was definitely weird to see her in photos with her clothes on.
This week, Life & Style had the world exclusive news that Kate Middleton has moved on to Baby Number Two already. She will be so disappointed to find out that Kim and Kanye decided last week that they are going to name their next spawn Baby Number Two. Even so, the Duke and Duchess are so excited for a sibling for George, they stunned their families with an announcement. They are having Kim and Kanye’s next baby.
Selena Gomez’ hot new man is revealed in this week’s issue. He’s hot and he’s new and he’s not Justin Bieber, so you know he’s a step up. We’d like to tell him to come and get it, but we’re afraid Selena would sic her bestie Taylor Swift on us and our hair would get pulled or she’d write a mean song about us or something.
Bethenny Frankel is sex crazed and out of control. Or perhaps that’s the name of her new talk show. Either way, we still have no interest in listening to her yammer or finding out more about her life. We’ll take a look when Ms. Frankel is duct taped and gagged.
And, in the continuing tradition of their bad play on words, L & S brings us another episode of Knife Styles. This week’s episode is a very special episode in which two photos of Uma Thurman appear next to each other with the words “before” and “after” and seem to only differ in the amount of make-up she’s wearing. What we learn is that Uma isn’t merely wearing eyelashes and a darker shade of lipstick. No. Uma goes mad for fillers. Whoa.
For yet another week, the National Enquirer remained bent on getting every celebrity divorced. It seems they have now racked up $800 million in divorce shockers. There are juicy details behind all the stars’ splits. Like, the final ugly showdown that will earn Clint Eastwood a $375 million divorce. Or, the fighting over other women that will put Ellen in the neighborhood of a $125 million divorce. And Paula Deen collapsed after the bustup with her hubby, but she only gets $20 million for those shenanigans.
There’s another Hollywood couple the Enquirer’s celebrity marriage chopping block this week. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith have been sent to the front of the line to have a $300 million split. Look, that’s what they get if they’re going to lead separate lives and secretly sell their beloved family home.
They have a smaller headline, and are ignored by the other tabs, but Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton aren’t out of the divorce spotlight yet. This time Miranda has warned Blake to stay away from that cougar, Cher. We hope he listens to her before it’s too late and he wishes he could turn back time.
Perhaps the other story is true and her maternal instincts are kicking in, but for some reason, Jennifer Aniston has rescued her “homeless” brother. Because it’s celebrity news, we assume the quotation marks mean he has a home, but it’s not a mansion in the Hills, so it totally doesn’t count. Then, apparently AJ Aniston was caught at a wild drug and booze fest. Sounds to us like he was living the life and probably didn’t need a rescue in the first place.
Don’t let this get out, but when we read In Touch this week, we found out that Khloe Kardashian has a secret baby. We think she probably just stole Kim’s, but we’re pretty sure Kim would notice at some point and maybe ask for the baby back. We don’t know, but seems pretty suspect. With her marriage in crisis, Khloe has a bittersweet plan: She’s ginally going to be a mom – with or without Lamar. Kimmy K, you might want to go check on your babye.
Speaking of secrets, Michael Jackson had some secret diaries about his dark world. We thought the stuff we already knew about him was pretty messed up, and that’s the stuff he didn’t keep a secret. We can’t even imagine what he would consider too dark to let anyone know about. We were also surprised that Michael Jackson was still a thing. Way to take it retro, In Touch.
Because we all know celebrities like to jump on the bandwagon of the cause du jour, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt has taken one for the team and is now being bullied for being boyish. She’s handled it well, though. Since she’s so boyish, she’s got a pretty good arm and just threw giant bags of money at her tormenters.
In a blatant attention grab, an ex of Beyonce’s tells all about a topic he referred to as “Why I cheated on Beyonce.” The answer is just what you would expect. “Because I’m really really stupid. Oh, and can I have some change for the bus?”
The weather is starting to get cooler, so we thought we were safe for a while, but no, the Star felt like we needed one more look at the best and worst beach bodies. They consider it some kind of end-of-summer special. We consider it evil torture. It seems that the best of the 65 all new photos are on the cover. We especially like the very over-Photoshopped pic of Kim Kardashian looking utterly unreal. There’s a very large celeb who says, while running jauntily on the beach, “I love my new curves.” There are also cruelly tastless features like a comparison of Brody and Bruce Jenner, a close-up of someone’s cottage cheeks and one very bony back. And we thought we were mean to celebs sometimes.
Ever the snotty princess, perfect Gwyneth Paltrow has been caught with her ex. There were shocking photos inside that have to be way better than the doctored-looking photos on the cover. We are happy to ignore this little rendezvous if it means we can spend more time mocking Gwynnie’s super lame blog. Stop canoodling and keep being annoying.
Because she felt like her reputation hadn’t taken enough of a hit in the last year, Demi Moore thought it was a good idea to start dating her ex-lover’s father. Gross. Just … gross. Demi, you’re a fine looking woman. Cast a wider net. Get on Ok Cupid. You can find a date. We believe in you.