Virgin ‘Bachelor’ Sean Gave It Up, Kim Kardashian Got Pregnant for Money + More In This Week’s Tabloids
We read the Star, Life & Style, OK!, the National Enquirer and In Touch this week — so you didn’t have to. You’re welcome.
And what did we learn? We learned Kim Kardashian got herself knocked up for cash, the virgin 'Bachelor' Sean finally “gave in,” baby bumps are the new fashion accessory for spring, Britney Spears is hoarding animals, Kris Jenner wants all her daughters to sell themselves and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.
Star magazine tried to shock us with the news that Kim Kardashian got pregnant for $22 million, but what’s truly shocking is that we were supposed to believe she'd do anything for free. What we do believe is that she cheated on ex-hubby Kris with a millionaire. You can’t blame a woman who gets turned on by the smell of money.
Courteney Cox is apparently coming unhinged. Sources say she’s been having raging fights with her new beau. But if he’s as French as that last statement makes him sound, we can’t really hold it against her. He’s probably annoying. Maybe all the Botox is making her more aggressive. Someone get her a glass of wine.
In other news, Cindy Crawford said, “My marriage is over.” She also asked if anyone wanted to take her out for a Pepsi. Crawford’s soon-to-be-ex-husband, Rande Gerber, will be outside the Staples Center next Tuesday to receive a strong shaking from all the men who think he’s a moron for not staying married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.
Also, Will Smith's family has been ripped apart in a cocaine scandal. Experts say it’s really no surprise. Families often have a hard time sharing.
Secrets are being spilled in Life & Style about Bachelor Sean’s proposal. Juicy details like there was a ring and kneeling and some tears. No mention yet of how long he asked the lucky gal to be engaged to him, but most followers of the ‘Bachelor’ franchise believe she agreed to at least several months or “until we can’t get anyone to talk about us any more.”
But based the news that the virgin bachelor “gave in,” we might have to change our prediction to a shorter engagement as he's likely now done with both the chosen contestant and pretending to be a virgin.
We were “OMG”-ing over the news that there’s a ring for Katy Perry. Then we saw it was from John Mayer and now we're worried it'll say regretful things about her later on.
Another one who can't keep her trap shut, Brandi Glanville, delivered an exclusive statement to L&S saying that “Leann needs help.” The same exclusive she's repeated to every other gossip outlet and had published in her book. So, you know, that's a scoop.
For the fashion-forward among you, Power Flats are the new thing. But if they don’t have jet packs on them, we demand they be removed from the cover of the magazine. Sequins and a cushioned insole will only go so far.
A full-on bump alert is in effect over at OK! Magazine. Several celebrities are saying, “We're having babies.” Seems Kendra, Khloe and Giuliana are having babies that will have lots of playdates with all those imaginary kids the tabloids keep trying to put in Jennifer Aniston.
Oh, and speaking of Jen, she might have something to say about fiance Justin Theroux’s baby surprise. Specifically, “Where the hell did you get that baby?!”
In other News of the Womb, Kim Kardashian has revealed that “it’s a boy.” Indicating that the media will pay her more to have a boy than a girl. Her fame proves that she’s more popular when she has a boy, but we’re guessing money could be made with a video of her having a girl.
We actually opened up this mag so we could get Nicole Scherzinger’s Herbal Essences experience. We are now sure that in order to get the full “experience,” we’re going to need Scherzinger to appear in an entirely different kind of magazine. And for this we cannot wait.
More angry celebs appear in the National Enquirer. Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones have split and now a $300 million fortune is at risk. Also a cancer-stricken Michael walked out and there was fighting, drugs and betrayal. The cover of the magazine alone sounds like the plot of a Lifetime movie. Someone call Tori Spelling -- maybe she can fit it in between pregnancies.
The National Enquirer also has bloody crime scene photos from the Mindy McCready tragedy, her suicide note and reports on her plot to kill her kids. Man. The editors must be fun at parties.
In another exclusively sensationalized murder story, Oscar Pistorious’ – aka, the Blade Runner's – girlfriend was reportedly pregnant when he shot her. In his defense, he swears up and down that he didn’t mean to knock her up. He thought she was an intruder he wanted to impregnate.
And, in a fourth tragedy, Britney Spears has been hoarding animals. She keeps them piled up, yet organized by genus and phylum, in a double wide trailer in an upscale hoarders’ community in Louisiana.
Tabloid regular - and uber-greedy mom - Kris Jenner has demanded that her daughters make her more money. Declaring the older ones a lost cause, she's now focused her attention on the younger girls and begun working on a deal with MTV’s ‘Teen Mom.'
Fergie and hubby Josh Duhamel are having a baby. This news was tweeted by the couple weeks ago, but the internet at In Touch has been lagging, so they just saw it. Publishers are discussing a possible name change to Not Quite as In Touch as We Thought.
Josh Brolin went out with a jar of mustard and a smile after ex-wife Diane Lane signed their divorce papers on Valentine’s Day. He says the mustard is spicy, but doesn’t talk back, just like his ideal woman. He also said he could do what he wants now because he’s single and he’s Josh freakin' Brolin.
You’ll never guess whose butt is fake on ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta.’ Because if you’re anything like us, you won’t even try. In fact, you’ll do everything in your power not to think about it all. Because nightmares.