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Victoria Beckham Was Doomed to Spinsterhood Before David Came Along

David Beckham Victoria Beckham
Pascal Le Segretain, Getty Images

A long time ago, in a land far, far away, a dour-faced maiden named Victoria Beckham was alone — so terribly alone, for no one wanted to date her. But then along came her white knight, David, who brought joy to her life and a smile to her face.

Wait. This must be a different Victoria and David because everyone knows Mrs. Beckham never smiles.

Regardless, Victoria opened up to ITV about being man kryptonite during her pop star days for the upcoming Christmas Eve special ‘Spice Girls‘ Story: Viva Forever.’

Hey, there are worse things to watch on Christmas. (We’re looking at you, ‘Fred Claus.’)

“There was a stage where someone wrote once how every woman wanted to be one of us and every man wanted to date one of us,” Victoria said. “Not that anyone wanted to date me.  I think everyone wanted to sort of like just brush my hair.”

Well there’s your trouble, Vics. Gay men don’t date girls.

And how’d she come to be known as Posh Spice? “I was called Posh because I liked the nice restaurants, and the nice clothes, and that was my character,” she said. ”I didn’t smile, even in those days.”

“I am very much that person, even now. Even now. I get ready to go out sometimes and I catch myself in the mirror and I’m like, ‘Oh my God, I’ve turned into that person.’”

But she has nothing but love for her Spice Girl days, saying, “The things we used to get up to. We had a lot of fun. Even me! It turns out … [I] can be quite a laugh.”

We know you can. We’ve seen the photographic evidence. But damn, lady — you’re married to one of the world’s hottest men and you’re rich, famous and beautiful (even if you do need some full-fat dressing on your salads).

Would it really kill you to look like you actually, you know, like your life?

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