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‘True Blood’ Recap: The Most Ridiculous Moments from ‘F— the Pain Away’

True Blood F--- the Pain Away
HBO

On tonight’s new episode of ‘True Blood,’ Jessica gets high on faerie blood, our favorite vampires go to vamp prison, Sarah Newlin proves she’s the best thing to ever happen to this show, and Sookie learns more about Warlow’s caveman faerie history.

Read on for our recap of the most ridiculous moments from the latest episode, ‘F— the Pain Away.’

Sookie’s parents wanted to kill her.

With abortion rights front and center in the news lately, it’s timely that we learn Sookie’s parents tried to late-term our favorite waitress. (She still actually works at that bar, right?)

“I ate four faerie girls. I am so f—ed up.”

Faerie blood is the new Four Loko, y’all. Jessica gets high on some primo faerie blood, tries to incest-bone Bill, and starts rambling about God and the devil like she’s Kanye West or something. Someone get this girl a blog.

Sarah Newlin: Relationship Expert

Sarah provides helpful relationship tips this week and reminds me why I still watch this show.

For the bedroom: “When a woman comes to you in black lingerie, you unwrap her.”

Pick-up line: “God wants me to f— you.”

Self-esteem, or How Sarah Got Her Groove Back: “My body is a f—ing temple, and you have defiled it with your vampire-loving pecker.”

Honesty: “Steve turned out to be a gay vampire.” (Ugh, story of my life, girl.)

Caveman Faerie Warlow Is Hot

A long, long time ago, Warlow was the inspiration for those Fabio books your mom used to read during “quiet time.” We get a whole blurry, late-night softcore porn scene featuring gyrating butts to explain the faerie-vampire birds and the bees.

Vampire Research

Here are some of the things being researched at vampire camp prison: how vampires have sex and how fast they can catch bouncy balls — these two things sound exactly the same.

Pam Goes to Therapy

Would you like Som Chai? This poor lady’s name sounds like an order at Starbucks. Pam only gets to place an order if she talks about her feelings. And if we’re being real, Pam is the only character whose feelings are fun to hear about.

“Haven’t you seen ‘Gladiator’?”

In the vamp camp, vampires are pitted against one another in a big white room, like some wacked-out ‘American Gladiator’ business, complete with balls and sticks. It’s all fun and games until Pam and Eric are forced into a Thunderdome situation with stakes — like, wooden ones. But also stakes as in consequences.

“I provided the intel!”

Gay vampire Steve wants you to know he’s real valuable and totally available for all your vampire prison recognizance needs. Someone needs to warn him that snitches get stitches.

Tara Takes a Prison Wife

In vampire camp prison, human prison rules apply. Jessica is Tara’s prison wife now! When do they start trading cigarettes for tampons?

“I scratch your back, you lick my balls.”

So that’s the prison barter system. Poor Willa Burrell. This sounds like a really unfair trade. Pretty sure I had this same arrangement in college. JK, I didn’t go to college.

“Stackhouses, calm the f— down!”

Lafayette throws a baller seance, in which Sookie’s dad enters his body and tries to late-term his daughter all over again.

The Word of the Night

Is the F-Bomb, obviously.

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