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Tom Cruise Will Only Testify If You Do the Hokey Pokey and Turn Yourself Around

Tom Cruise
Juan Naharro Gimenez, Getty Images

Tom Cruise was willing to participate in a deposition pertaining to allegations he was involved in wiretapping someone’s phone — as long as his testimony never sees the light of day and is kept in a box guarded by fire-breathing dragons inside a castle surrounded by a lake of fire.

Well, pretty much.

In 2009, the actor was sued by magazine editor Michael Davis Sapir for $5 million for conspiring with lawyer Bert Fields and private investigator Anthony Pellicano to tap Sapir’s phones.

This suit follows another 2001 lawsuit filed by Cruise, in which Sapir offered a $500,000 reward to anyone with evidence that Tom is gay. The original suit was settled when it was discovered that a videotape which Sapir claimed to have in his possession that proved Cruise likes the peen never actually existed.

On Dec. 18, Cruise gave testimony in the wiretapping case at the Mandarin Hotel in New York City, but went to great lengths to make sure his statement was secure beforehand. He’d only talk if the following guidelines were met:

  1. “Only one original videotape of the deposition shall be made.”
  2. You DO NOT talk about FIGHT CLUB.
  3. “No copies of the videotape, or any video or audio portions thereof, may be made and no one other than the counsel for the Parties and the Custodian, as defined below, may have access to the videotape.”
  4. A custodian will be chosen for the original tape and “shall safeguard and permit no one to view, audit or copy the videotape” unless they have court permission or correctly answer the riddle of the Sphinx.
  5. “Plaintiff Sapir shall not be permitted to view, use or access the videotape (or any adaptation made there from) at any time prior to trial and, during trial, Sapir’s access to the videotape will be limited to viewing the videotape during open court proceedings.”
  6. Once the trial is over, the deposition tape will be “directly” returned to Cruise’s lawyer.
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
  8. All hail Lord Xenu.

Those are some pretty stringent guidelines just to prove you’re not gay, Tom.

Wethinks the gentleman doth protest too much.

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