The ‘Teen Mom’ Girls Are Doomed, Ann Curry Gets Her Revenge, Amanda Bynes Speaks + More in This Week’s Tabloids
We read Star, In Touch, National Enquirer, Life & Style, and OK! this week. That means you’re free to do something with your life. Your mom will thank us.
This week, Jennifer Aniston is no longer engaged, Ann Curry is taking her Big Bird nickname all the way to the bank, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck put their marriage in crisis for safe keeping, Hillary Clinton has a lesbian tell-all book, Kim and Kanye have broken up again (or are still broken up, we can’t tell), having a show on MTV will ruin your life faster than having a baby in high school -- and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.
The world has been thrown into a tailspin of despair. The Jennifer Aniston/Justin Theroux wedding is off. According to Star, there was a fight to end all fights. The formerly loving couple had a public screaming match at a Hollywood hotspot that ended in tears. There's also a shocking reason Justin won’t marry Jen, but unfortunately, we were too busy laughing at the cobbled-together photo of them to find out what it was.
Oh good, Demi Moore has a new boytoy who's talking to Star. In those moments of creepy candor, he mentions sex in the sauna. Which just makes us never want to sit on a sauna bench again ever.
Just as our tantalization over Demi Moore’s super hot sexytime was subsiding, we discovered that a costar of John Travolta’s outed him in an exclamatory shocker. Of course we frequently hear that Travolta is gay, so we weren’t actually all that shocked about the outing. Bored, we went back to reading about Demi’s boytoy.
Speaking of heartbroken Jennifers (we were, way up top -- keep up), the marriage of Jen Garner and Ben Affleck is in crisis. Is that like being in escrow? Is their marriage being held by the bank to be exchanged as currency to pay their property taxes? Maybe they just accidentally had their photo taken while Jen was sassing Ben. But if sass creates a marriage crisis, a lot of us around here are perilously close to divorce.
Ann Curry has written an $8 million tell-all in which she reveals secrets, lies and betrayal. As you already know, she was bullied by Matt Lauer and forced out of her dream job, but Ann has the last laugh. In her million dollar “neener neener” book she’s turning the tables on TV’s most powerful man. Who doesn’t seem so powerful now that he’s terrified and “humiliated.” (This is the most interesting the 'Today' show has been in about a decade.)
There are likely other issues stewing in this pot, but Amanda Bynes is obsessed with an A-lister. In Touch has gone inside her sexy stunts to seduce a superstar. But unless this person is attracted to unhinged, there probably isn’t much chance of a love match. But hey, some guys dig big racks and bigger daddy issues.
Real Housewife Kim Zolciak was involved in a shocking cheating scandal, and the big question is can she forgive. We think the bigger question is "will we ever care?" (Spoiler: No.)
Put on your “whoa” pants. Kim Kardashian, who's in her 34th month of pregnancy, dared to wear a bikini. Outside. Where people could see her. And take photos!
We're not sure we want to live in a world where Real Housewives are cheated on and pregnant women unapologetically appear in public in bikinis. It's madness. Madness.
Seems Ann Curry hasn’t cornered the market on million dollar tell-alls. In fact, Hillary Clinton has done her more than three times better with a $25 million tell-all. You know what’s better than writing about Matt Lauer and being called Big Bird? Writing about the secret behind bin Laden’s corpse and lesbian affairs. Hillary’s explosive book is exposing the truth, but you have to read it fast before it self-destructs.
Meanwhile, Catherine Zeta-Jones was involved in a suicide shocker. She is back in the psych ward and the editors of the magazine can’t figure out what went wrong, but it could have something to do with booze, drugs and an ugly fight with her husband Michael. It might also be because of that awful photo they printed on the cover. We know we’d need a few drinks if they did that to us.
And of course, the National Enquirer once again manages to use the word “explosive” as a provocative descriptor next to a story about the Boston Bombers. Who, by the way, were ordered to kill by their mother. Just in time for Mother’s Day, the Enquirer has outed the woman as an evil mom of killer sons. Apparently flowers are totally over and that was all they could think of.
It’s boring to read about Real Housewives and their cheating, but uncovering a list of country music cheaters? Well that's tabloid gold. You could write an entire album about the likes of Billy Ray Cyrus, Garth Brooks, Lyle Lovett and the mistresses who threatened their marriages. It might not win a Grammy, but we bet the Real Housewives would like it.
Hope you're not too upset about Jen and Justin fake-calling off their wedding, because we’ve got more sad couple news for you: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are at the end. This is serious, you guys.
After a huge blowup, Kanye told her he’s done and threatened to take their baby to Paris. Kim’s world is falling apart, probably because she didn’t realize that if Kanye takes their baby to Paris, he has to take her with him since that big baby bump of hers has the baby in it.
Maybe he just invited her to go to Paris with him and she took it wrong because of the hormones.
Not one to be depressed over Kimye, Holly Madison has lost 30 pounds in six weeks. We won’t quibble over the fact that a good 7 or so pounds of that were the actual baby, because we can’t deny that Holly’s body after baby looks pretty good. Either way, the lesson here is that it’s okay to wear a bikini after you’ve had a baby and lost the weight, but – as Kimmy K will tell you – wearing one while you're still carrying the baby and the excess weight is a celebrity felony.
In more ever-intriguing baby news, pregnant Kate – the extremely fascinating alter ego of the Duchess of Cambridge – is breaking the Queen’s rules. Apparently she hasn’t been seen in public the minimum number of 57 times since last Tuesday, and the Queen is beginning to wonder how she’s ever going to make up for Camilla at this rate.
Wow, Amanda Bynes talks. Then again, if you've been keeping up with her Twitter feed, you're probably just glad she took a break from her keyboard. Anyway, she told Life & Style about her eating disorder hell. Seems she can’t remember if it's "feed a fever, starve the crazy" or the other way around.
MTV’s ‘Teen Mom’ show destroyed the lives of its stars by turning them from moms to monsters. So far we've seen porn, prison and drugs – oh, and having babies at a destructively young age, which may also have contributed to their downfall, but who's to say?
There's a silver lining to this story, though -- one of these admirable young ladies is having another baby. There are lots of excessive “baby bump” pics and apparently the end of ‘Teen Mom’ is nigh. It’s like Christmas and our birthday rolled into one!
Ooh, Johnny Depp is engaged. Judging by the photo, he may or may not have popped the question to sometime-lesbian Amber Heard. Who may or may not have had to consult with her girlfriend before answering. Awkward.
In other news, Reese Witherspoon is telling all. She has opened up about what really happened. To wit: Elvis does work at a grocery store in Poughkeepsie, Jimmy Hoffa wasn’t buried anywhere and there never was a moon landing. Reese is a fountain of knowledge, kids. Get a few drinks in her and she’ll say just about anything. Clearly.
Finally, it’s a day and there’s a tabloid cover, so that means Jennifer Aniston has revealed yet another baby bump. At this point, we may not be entirely clear on what a baby bump actually is, but we really don’t think Jen has one. Regardless, while real babies rarely save doomed relationships, maybe this fake one will have a shot at saving theirs.