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‘The Bachelor’ Recap – Season 17 Episode 3 – Sean Triples the Heartbreak, Sends Three Ladies Packing

'The Bachelor'
ABC

ABC managed to siphon a little bit of time away from promoting ‘The Taste’ (it’s ‘The Voice’ for cooking — we get it) to bring us the latest episode of ‘The Bachelor’ on Monday night. When all was done and kissed, Kacie, Kristy and Taryn were left without roses.

For the second straight week, the episode opened with Sean working out, in another gratuitous reminder that he is in shape. He also revealed he has feelings for some of the women already, another gratuitous reminder that the people on this show are deranged.

Host Chris Harrison walked into the house with the date card because getting someone else to reveal you’re going out for a night of romance is totally normal, right?

Date #1

Lesley M. was whisked away in a limo because that’s how you usually are taken to your first official date — if you’re James Bond, maybe.

Sean was waiting for her at the Guinness Museum where he told her that his father had set a record for driving to the 48 contiguous states in the shortest time. After touring around for a little while, the duo emerged from behind a curtain like they were Johnny Carson to find an excited crowd and Chris Harrison waiting for them.

Harrison then announced the wannabe lovebirds would attempt to set a record for longest on-screen kiss, with an official from Guinness on hand to verify. They had to top three minutes and 15 seconds. Pretty slick. I know if I told a woman we would be going for this record it would have most likely been met with a slap and the sound of high heels storming away.

Sean and Lesley both agreed it was ridiculous, but since Lesley is on a reality show where she is hunting for a husband she declared, “Kissing Sean puts me on cloud nine and I don’t ever want to stop.” She felt it was the best day of her life. Sean felt there was definitely chemistry. I felt sick.

As you may have guessed, they did set the record and the crowd went wild. I’m married and the guests at my wedding didn’t get this excited when my wife and I had our first kiss. I guess you need strangers and Chris Harrison in attendance to get fired up. Lesson learned.

Bachelor kiss
ABC

Later that night, Sean and Lesley went to the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel and drank wine. (Side note: what if you don’t like alcohol and want to be on ‘The Bachelor?’ What if you’ve completed a 12-step program? Does that mean you can’t compete?)

They chatted about school and like every other person who’s ever appeared on ‘The Bachelor,’ she gushed about her family and how she could spend more time with her family than her friends. Sean admitted he felt like he’s known her forever, a line I once tried that made me come off dangerously close to a stalker.

Anyway, Sean gave Lesley the rose and they kissed. And confetti fell. Seriously. I know a lot of people and have never heard of that happening, except on reruns of ‘The Love Boat’ when Captain Stubing pulled away from the dock.

Date #2

Sean and 12 of the women went to the beach. Chris Harrison, clearly working overtime, showed up to announce a twist: The women would play a six-on-six beach volleyball where the winning team would continue the date, while the losing side had to go home like the sad sacks we all know they are.

Well, it’s impossible to keep track of all the ladies on this date, so we’ll just say the team comprised of Lonely, Hopeless, Needy, Desperate, Pathetic and Seeking Validation won. And you know it was a really intense match because several girls from the losing team cried.

Bachelor volleyball
ABC

During the second part of the date, Lindsay and Sean swapped spit after she sucked up to him about how great he is. Where was this woman when I was single? (Hell, where is this woman for any single man?)

Kacie wound up doing herself in while talking to Sean when she confided in him that there’s some friction between Amanda and Desiree. (‘Bachelor’ rule 45: A woman must ruin her chances by inexplicably telling the man there’s a girl in the house who is phony.)

Sean was dumbfounded why Kacie felt the need to get involved in the matter, telling her, “I want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person.” Which is a quote pretty much every coupled man wants to say to his partner at least once a day. Trust me.

In the end, Sean gave Lindsay the rose and Kacie was left bawling and we were left wondering how long before another ‘Taste’ commercial would air.

Date #3

Sean’s date with AshLee (‘Bachelor’ rule 77: There must be at least one person named Ashlee, whatever the spelling, each season) got off to a rough start when Tierra fell down the stairs moments before Sean arrived to pick her up.

The paramedics were called in and put her in a neck brace. She refused to go to the hospital and AshLee was convinced it was all a ruse to get attention from Sean. If that’s the case, it worked: Sean talked to Tierra alone for a few minutes to make sure she was alright. And by ‘alright,’ I mean as ‘alright’ as someone with the emotional bearings someone on ‘The Bachelor’ can possibly be.

Finally, the date got underway. Sean drove AshLee (what, no limo?) to Six Flags Magic Mountain where they had the whole park to themselves. Aside from Clark Griswold, there’s no one who can pull that off. I couldn’t get tickets to see ‘The Incredibles’ when my wife and I went on our third date and this guy swoops with an entire amusement park? Not cool, Sean — think of the standard you’re setting here.

The private date had a twist, though, because all reality shows need an abundance of twists. Two teenage girls battling a serious disease joined Sean and AshLee. It turned out they love amusement parks and ‘The Bachelor’ and had been communicating online, but had never met. The foursome played games, went on rides and had an all-around good time.

Bachelor Park
ABC

At the end of the date, they were all treated to a private concert by the Eli Young Band (‘Bachelor’ rule 108: Get a recording artist to perform whenever possible). AshLee cried.

AshLee and Sean, who both wowed each other by how warm and fuzzy they were for being with the sick girls, got some private time where she divulged she was adopted and had been abused in a foster home, but isn’t bitter about the whole thing.

While Sean was impressed with her attitude, I can tell all you ladies you need to hold off unloading the emotional baggage until at least you know each other’s middle names. But regardless, Sean cried at her tale and wound up giving her the rose. Big surprise. They then danced to more Eli Young Band, who clearly couldn’t get a better gig because they were still there.

Cocktail Party

Sean entered the room, and the women, thinking it’s either the 16th century or a judge walking to his bench, stood up. Sean, clearly knowing chicks dig men who like dogs, took Sarah aside and said just because they didn’t have a date this week doesn’t mean he didn’t think about her.

A limo pulled up and out of the back seat popped her dog, Leo. Sarah was touched Sean helped coordinate the stunt, when in reality we all know that if a guy did that this early in a relationship she’d be freaked out because hello, breaking and entering is totally a fifth date and beyond thing.

Bachelor Dog
ABC

The wheel of Sean then spun ’round fast and furious. All of the women, desperate to get some quality time in, kept stealing Sean from each other, with Tierra at the center of the storm. Kacie even tried to apologize for her behavior the other night.

Look, if you have to apologize to a man while he’s dating more than a dozen other honey bunnies, then you should see the writing on the wall and start editing your match.com profile.

Rose Ceremony

Just before Sean handed out the first rose, he called Kacie out of the room. The girls were totally confused, like they were trying to process what happened on the last episode of ‘The Sopranos.’ But in reality, there wasn’t too much for them to figure out.

Sean told Kacie they’re better off as friends. He then sent her on her way and returned to the Rose Ceremony where he handed out the red-flowered goodness to everyone else — except Kristy and Taryn, who left crying because either they A) were upset they bought a bunch more dresses to wear for future Rose Ceremonies; B) realized yet another man had rejected them; C) didn’t make it far enough to be given serious consideration as the next ‘Bachelorette’; or D) all of the above.

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