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‘The Bachelor’ Recap – Season 17 Finale – Sean Finally Finds His Fiancee

'The Bachelor'
ABC

The greatest love story since Anne Hathaway began her torrid romance with orchestrated surprise is complete now that Sean has chosen the woman of his pre-arranged dreams on the season finale of ‘The Bachelor.’

So, who did he choose — Catherine or Lindsay?

Well, the lady who’s responsible for Sean changing his Facebook status from ‘single’ to ‘in a staged relationship’ is…

Catherine.

Here’s how she won Sean’s heart and Lindsay was left out in the cold.

The episode took place in Thailand and began with Sean’s family flying in. I know before I popped the question to my wife, I called up ABC and said, “I need you to foot the bill and fly my folks out to Asia where they can interrogate my girlfriend whom they haven’t met yet.” And they said, “Your abs are not nearly ripped enough to make this request.”

Which is silly because I looked great. Being handsome is not a part-time job, folks.

Catherine Meets Sean’s Family

Catherine was nervous, but had no reason to sweat. She met with Sean’s mother, Sherry, and father, Jay, in private and won them over quicker than the time it took to read this sentence. As you might have expected, she spoke glowingly of Sean to his parents and they both responded by saying they’d welcome her to their family. Jay even went so far as to tell her she will never have a bigger fan than him if she were to marry into the family.

Either she made a quick impression or this guy is way too desperate to marry off his son, which would just be really weird.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

Lindsay Meets Sean’s Family

If Catherine got an A+ during her meeting with Sean’s family, then Lindsay got an A++. Jay once again did his best to make himself look like he’d be the best father-in-law in history when he said he and Sherry had started praying for Sean’s wife the day he was born and if it’s her he couldn’t be happier. My father-in-law once charged me for water, so color me jealous (sadly, this is not a joke).

Guys this nice are not the norm, ladies. It’s not in our DNA. Sorry.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

Lindsay told Sherry how she and Sean have so much in common and that they share the same values. She also said their first date was like their fifth, which in ‘Bachelor’ time is actually slow, since the first date is meant to be like the 20th and the fifth is meant to be like a silver anniversary.

Sean Meets With His Family

Sherry kept reminding Sean that he didn’t have to propose to either woman, which is completely blasphemous in ‘The Bachelor’ universe. Sean said he valued his family’s opinions, but was looking for their support. His mother cried because it was such a huge decision. I’ve been there – I’m pretty sure my mother cried herself to sleep many nights, convinced I’d render her grandchildren-less.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

Sean didn’t exactly get the clarity he was looking for because he continued to see himself with both women. Like he’s the first guy to ever see himself with two women. He’s hardly unique.

Date With Lindsay

Sean went into the date hoping for a sign to help him figure out which woman was right for him. They went for a ride on a raft along the Makong River (don’t worry – I never heard of it, either) and were like Tom and Huck, with a dash of choreographed sexual tension thrown in. Lindsay, coming off as confident, proclaimed in her squeaky mouse voice, “I can’t believe how much I love him.” They ate and she said she loved him.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

Then they reminisced about their first kiss, which begs the question: Can you reminisce about something that happened, like, 20 minutes ago?

At the end of the night, she showed him three lanterns that they launched into the sky that said “Love,” “Happiness” and “Family.” Sean said she was the one for him at that moment, but since it’s a TV show that has to keep viewers guessing and he’s proven to be as indecisive as a shoe-shopping woman, we knew it just ain’t that simple.

Date With Catherine

Yet again, Sean said he hoped this date would provide a sign to give him some guidance. He and Catherine went on an elephant ride and, easy though it would be to make a joke about Louie Anderson taking a break from training for that diving show ‘Splash’ to be the one that gave them the ride, I’m too classy to go for the cheap laugh.

Catherine continually said how hard it was to open up and tell Sean how much he means to her. Later, she struggled to find the right words when getting serious about how she felt about him. She finally summoned her words and opened up. As he was about to leave for the evening, she whispered, “I love you.” A few seconds went by and he responded with the oh-so-romantic, “Thank you for today.”

Ouch. Bees don’t sting that hard.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

Catherine was devastated because she couldn’t get a sense what Sean was thinking. She chased him after he left and they hugged some more. She was frustrated, like a woman trying to decide between two pairs of shoes (I’m rolling with the shoe analogies, people).

Decision Day

Sean got dressed, which was really just an excuse to show his chiseled body. He followed a script seen on many other editions of ‘The Bachelor’ by saying he woke up and just knew who to choose, kind of like how I finally figured out how to write in script in third grade after weeks of stinking at it.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

The ridiculous factor was then ratcheted up a few notches when celebrity jeweler Neil Lane swung by and they looked at rings. I guess he was just in the neighborhood, carrying tens of thousands of dollars of jewels with him. Either that or he’s willing to go to the corners of the earth to make sure no woman ever gets engaged and has to say, “He went to Jared.”

Regardless, Sean made out like a bandit. I’m pretty sure he isn’t worrying about how much to take out of the paycheck he gets for whatever it is he does for a living each week to pay for it.

Sean then teared up talking about how he was looking forward to starting life with the woman he chose. Lindsay, meanwhile, was feeling super-confident, while Catherine was just a mess because their last date went over about as well as ‘Jack the Giant Slayer’ did.

Sean Meets With Lindsay

Sean set up shop in a lakeside garden and Lindsay met with him first. She felt really good going in, so Sean’s rejection certainly hit her like a blast of cold water. Gee, you would think a substitute teacher would be smart enough to see what was coming.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

They both cried and he said he loved her, which is weird because, you know, he decided not to prolong their made-for-TV romance. To her credit, Lindsay took it with class and even said she was happy he found love, although she couldn’t imagine life without him. Well, she doesn’t have to imagine it because she’s living it. You do have to give her props, too — once he dropped the bomb, she took off her high heels. The need to impress him was gone, so why put up the charade?

Once Lindsay got into the car that drove her away, she broke down and said she’s been down this road before. I assume she was speaking metaphorically, since she probably hadn’t been on that street in Thailand too many times prior to this experience. Anyway, she continued to cry and asked, “Why did he do this to me?” and went off about how she’s afraid of being alone.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

Take it easy, Lindsay — you’re 24, good-looking and have been on TV. Odds are you’re not going to have to create a profile on Zoosk to meet a man anytime soon.

Sean Meets With Catherine

After Lindsay left, Sean was ready for Catherine. Prior to her arrival, she sent a letter to Sean telling him how much she loved him and how she was so ready to be his wife. The way ABC hyped up this letter, you would’ve thought she was confessing to a murder, but it really wasn’t that dramatic. Kind of like real life.

Once Catherine showed up, Sean gushed about how she continually amazed him, didn’t want to be without her anymore and wanted to tell her he loved her every day. He then got down on bended knee and popped the question. She said yes while her hands shook (either from joy or the fact that she realized she got in way too deep on this show) and for a minute it actually seemed like their love was authentic and not forged in exotic dates with a network behind every sweet gesture. (Yes, I’m cynical. Sue me.)

'The Bachelor'
ABC

Then an elephant showed up to whisk them away. No word on whether that same elephant will take them away once they’re married (if they marry), but you know it’s big enough to carry that “Just Married” sign, so I can see that happening.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

After the Final Rose

Lindsay tried to get answers when she sat down with Sean and she again exhibited real class by saying how happy she was for him. Sean again said Lindsay didn’t do anything wrong, it was just that Catherine was “the one” — that vague term we all use to make it sound like the person we’re spending all of eternity with is just a step below winning the lottery.

When Catherine came out, we got all the mushy romantic stuff the women who watch this show can’t get enough of. Unlike past seasons of ‘The Bachelor,’ the couple actually seemed — what’s the word? Oh, right — happy. She was nothing short of ecstatic at the prospect of being Mrs. Sean Whatever His Last Name Is.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

She and Sean even cried when watching a replay of the proposal and women all over the country were no doubt turned on by the fact he’s not afraid to show his emotions. He also announced ABC will broadcast the wedding and pay for it, although no date has been set. All of America is invited, though, and if you can’t make it, I promise to fill you all in on what you missed.

Don’t worry about withdrawal, either. We learned Desiree will be the next star of ‘The Bachelorette.’ Her quest to find love among 25 slightly off-kilter men should wreak havoc on ABC’s lineup and give you a way to kill a few hours each week sometime this summer.

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