What the Tabloids Taught Us While Waiting In Line This Week
Avoiding the express line continues to have its privileges.
National Enquirer
National Enquirer
- Katie Holmes is still trapped under Tom Cruise’s spell. The spell reportedly makes her wander the streets of New York looking glamorous and smiling a lot.
- Dr. Phil makes his wife Robin live inside a house of horrors. Sometimes the mirrors make her look fat and everything.
- ’Dancing With the Stars’ sex scandals have been exposed. They figured that since they expose everything else on the show, sex scandals were all they had left.
- There are real stories of survival coming out of areas hit by Hurricane Sandy.The fake stories of survival are still coming from Republican pollsters who predicted Romney would win in a landslide.
In Touch
In Touch
- Khloe Kardashian-Odom is ready to divorce her husband Lamar Odom. Her reasons include not having the attention span to write out a hyphenated name.
- Kristen Stewart might be trapping Robert Pattinson with a baby. Experts are puzzled since an invisible fence would be quieter and cost a lot less.
- Octomom Nadya Suleman has hit rock bottom. That’s apparently the name of one of her many children.
- In ‘Teen Mom 2’ there will be a baby girl, a break-up and a wedding. Probably involving one underage person. In that order.
Star
Star
- Jennifer Aniston is pregnant. Scientists now say this can be caused by walking around in public in a loose-fitting shirt with your arm across your stomach.
- Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are somehow involved with a baby and a wedding. Sources say they’ve created their own “pics or it didn’t happen” scavenger hunt to make it worth leaving the house and being stalked by paparazzi.
- Angelina Jolie is down to 98 pounds, sparking new anorexia fears. She’s also been sparking fires every time she snaps her fingers or shrugs her shoulders.
- NBC’s ‘The Voice’ has sexy secrets and shocking scandals. They borrowed those from 'American Idol' too.
Life & Style
Life & Style
- Yes, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian lost weight eating cake and drinking champagne. After rigorous examination, doctors sadly concluded none of the weight lost shortened their 15 minutes of fame.
- Prince William and wife Kate are in the midst of a royal courtroom drama. Someone’s face has already been slapped with a glove.
- L & S got hold of Justin and Jessica Timberlake’s honeymoon album. The first album he's released in years, and it's all duets? Who is he, Tony Bennett?
- Sandra Bullock is being tormented by ex-husband Jesse James again. Her doctor said that, as usual, the rash should clear up in about 3 days if she takes all the medication as prescribed.
Us Weekly
Us Weekly
- There's a very specific reason why Taylor Swift can’t find love. It’s hiding behind Waldo, who’s on vacation with Carmen Sandiego.
- Bachelorette Emily Maynard is now dating a NASCAR star. She says she’s happy but that the relationship is moving kind of fast.
- Actor Ben Hollingsworth has gotten married after only a two-month engagement. The actor told a source, “My divorce lawyer is very busy and didn’t have many openings, so I had to get this show on the road.”
- Ashley Judd might run for US Senate in 2014. If her candidacy reflects her movie plots, she'll be taken hostage at some point during the campaign.
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