We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy raisins and oatmeal this week and here’s what we learned from the National Enquirer, In Touch, the Star, Life & Style and Us Weekly.

Avoiding the express line continues to have its privileges.

  • National Enquirer

    • Katie Holmes is still trapped under Tom Cruise’s spell. The spell reportedly makes her wander the streets of New York looking glamorous and smiling a lot.
    • Dr. Phil makes his wife Robin live inside a house of horrors. Sometimes the mirrors make her look fat and everything.
    • ’Dancing With the Stars’ sex scandals have been exposed. They figured that since they expose everything else on the show, sex scandals were all they had left.
    • There are real stories of survival coming out of areas hit by Hurricane Sandy.The fake stories of survival are still coming from Republican pollsters who predicted Romney would win in a landslide.
    National Enquirer
  • In Touch

    • Khloe Kardashian-Odom is ready to divorce her husband Lamar Odom. Her reasons include not having the attention span to write out a hyphenated name.
    • Kristen Stewart might be trapping Robert Pattinson with a baby. Experts are puzzled since an invisible fence would be quieter and cost a lot less.
    • Octomom Nadya Suleman has hit rock bottom. That’s apparently the name of one of her many children.
    • In ‘Teen Mom 2’ there will be a baby girl, a break-up and a wedding. Probably involving one underage person. In that order.
    In Touch
  • Star

    • Jennifer Aniston is pregnant. Scientists now say this can be caused by walking around in public in a loose-fitting shirt with your arm across your stomach.
    • Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are somehow involved with a baby and a wedding. Sources say they’ve created their own “pics or it didn’t happen” scavenger hunt to make it worth leaving the house and being stalked by paparazzi.
    • Angelina Jolie is down to 98 pounds, sparking new anorexia fears. She’s also been sparking fires every time she snaps her fingers or shrugs her shoulders.
    • NBC’s ‘The Voice’ has sexy secrets and shocking scandals. They borrowed those from 'American Idol' too.
  • Life & Style

    • Yes, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian lost weight eating cake and drinking champagne. After rigorous examination, doctors sadly concluded none of the weight lost shortened their 15 minutes of fame.
    • Prince William and wife Kate are in the midst of a royal courtroom drama. Someone’s face has already been slapped with a glove.
    • L & S got hold of Justin and Jessica Timberlake’s honeymoon album. The first album he's released in years, and it's all duets? Who is he, Tony Bennett?
    • Sandra Bullock is being tormented by ex-husband Jesse James again. Her doctor said that, as usual, the rash should clear up in about 3 days if she takes all the medication as prescribed.
    Life & Style
  • Us Weekly

    • There's a very specific reason why Taylor Swift can’t find love. It’s hiding behind Waldo, who’s on vacation with Carmen Sandiego.
    • Bachelorette Emily Maynard is now dating a NASCAR star. She says she’s happy but that the relationship is moving kind of fast.
    • Actor Ben Hollingsworth has gotten married after only a two-month engagement. The actor told a source, “My divorce lawyer is very busy and didn’t have many openings, so I had to get this show on the road.”
    • Ashley Judd might run for US Senate in 2014. If her candidacy reflects her movie plots, she'll be taken hostage at some point during the campaign.
    Us Weekly