We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy champagne and confetti this week and here’s what we learned from National Enquirer, Us Weekly, In Touch, Globe and Life & Style.

Even in a new year, avoiding the express line has its privileges.

  • National Enquirer

    • Hillary Clinton is involved in a brain cancer drama. As opposed to a brain cancer comedy. Those are almost never funny.
    • There's shocking evidence proving Whitney Houston was murdered. Someone found a glove that didn’t fit O.J. Simpson at the scene.
    • Katie Holmes raged at Tom Cruise, yelling, “You make me sick!” He didn't make matters better when he offered to call Dr. Xenu for a prescription.
    • The Connecticut school shooting nutjob was obsessed with Taylor Swift. Proving you really would have to be crazy to be obsessed with Taylor Swift.
    National Enquirer
  • Us Weekly

    • Something tore Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy apart. Most likely the need to keep up with the Kardashians in the tabloid cover race.
    • The best celebrity events of 2012 are revealed. Technically, they're the same events from 2011, just with different names in the headlines.
    • In her side of the story, Emily Maynard says she was fooled by Jef Holm’s lies. People on reality shows lie? UNPOSSIBLE.
    • Kevin Federline’s brother says he’s the father of Britney Spears’ son Sean Preston. The tale was later found to be a hoax, but why let the truth get in the way of a great story?
    Us Weekly
  • In Touch

    • A secret girlfriend has wild nights with Tom Cruise. During which she always wears a beard.
    • Jennifer Lopez’ dancer boyfriend is set to propose. Seems awfully quick. He hasn’t even had the chance to make a really bad movie with her yet.
    • Khloe Kardashian-Odom has been trapped by Lamar Odom. Sources close to the couple say he’s got her by the Spanx.
    • Ice and Coco's marriage is in trouble. That can't be. They're under contract for another season.
    In Touch
  • Globe

    • A dying queen made William king. Inside sources say the gay community has some strange rituals.
    • Louis Armstrong has a secret daughter, revealed 41 years after his death. Apparently, at least once, it was a wonderful world for Armstrong indeed.
    • Find out where 22 former hunks and honeys are now. Because even washed-up celebs deserve to be stalked.
  • Life & Style

    • Kourtney Kardashian has revealed how she got her body back. Kris Jenner was holding it hostage until Kourtney signed on for another year of reality shows.
    • Bethenny Frankel made a sacrifice for her daughter. Grass skirts and chicken bones were involved. It's really best you don't know more.
    • John Mayer is texting Emily Maynard. A source close to the singer says he can smell a female on the rebound from 2000 miles away.
    • Prince William and Kate Middleton have been having a baby battle with the Queen. Royal experts agree that while it is traditional, using small children as pawns in family politics is not the healthiest way to handle issues.
    Life & Style