We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy booze and mixers this week and here’s what we learned from the National Enquirer, In Touch, Star, the Globe and Us Weekly.

It looks like avoiding the express line has had its privileges again.

  • National Enquirer

    • The OJ murders were caught on video by a terrified eyewitness. But the tape won’t fit in Simpson's VCR so the judicial system is foiled once again.
    • Macaulay Culkin attempted suicide. Apparently, after the 31st year in a row of being forgotten at Christmas, he just couldn't take it anymore.
    • Celebrities have dimply, lumpy, ripple-y cellulite. And, thankfully for us, they forgot to wear their cloaks of invisibility to the beach.
    • Lindsay Lohan is headed to a mental ward. Those places have all the best drugs.
    National Enquirer
  • In Touch

    • Khloe Kardashian-Odom was betrayed when her husband Lamar was seen with two sexy brunettes. Turned out they were just her sisters, but if she's smart, she won't trust them either.
    • Kate Middleton's morning sickness is better, so she's now prepping for her baby. But no pink walls in the nursery. The Duchess of Cambridge can no longer stand the color of Pepto Bismol.
    • Harry Styles has to watch out because Taylor Swift could possibly be using him. To get into another prom.
    • Celebrities make beauty blunders. Like paying other people to make them look they way they often do.
    In Touch
  • Star

    • Kris Kardashian and Bruce Jenner are going through a $175 million divorce. Making the ads that air during the divorce more expensive than even Super Bowl commercials.
    • We now know who the meanest celebs are. Dodging coffee and cell phones just got easier.
    • Kate Middleton’s parents have moved in to help while she’s pregnant. Well played. That’s the reason we'd have given to move into the Duke and Duchess’ royal house, too.
    • Selma Blair appears skeletal after being on the “break-up diet.” Her manager is doing his best to get her cast in an Oscar-buzz flick while she has that whole Matthew McConaughey thing going on.
  • Globe

    • President Obama caused outrage with his $5 million vacation in Hawaii. Family members say all he got them was a stupid coffee mug.
    • Autopsy secrets about Kansas City Chiefs player Jovan Belcher are out. His heart was completely missing.
    • Miraculous test tube twins made Kate Middleton’s dream come true. Sources close to the Duchess say she’s always wanted a pair of bonsai babies.
    • ‘Malcolm in the Middle’ star Frankie Muniz suffered a stroke. He finally realized the show has been off the air for six years even though he’s been shooting episodes from home as the result of a Hollywood prank.
  • Us Weekly

    • Kate Middleton is pondering raising royal babies. Experts say she shouldn’t have to work too hard since most royals are already babies.
    • Brandi Glanville says her kids aren’t safe with LeAnn Rimes. Makes sense. Neither was her husband.
    • Demi Moore has been chasing guys half her age. She finds it easiest to separate the weak ones from the herd just after dusk.
    • Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel and husband Jason Hoppy are in a marriage crisis. It turns out they knew the show was fake, but just figured out the marriage is real.
    Us Weekly