We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy spray snow and tinsel this week and here’s what we learned from the National Enquirer, In Touch, OK!, the Globe and Us Weekly.

Avoiding the express line definitely has its privileges.

  • National Enquirer

    • A medical mistake killed Larry Hagman. Apparently, instead of being alive, he ended up not being alive.
    • Halle Berry is involved in a suicide shocker after her lovers’ bloody brawl. Sources at the scene said she shouted a number of times, “Stop it, you idiots! Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed I could die!”
    • Kirstie Alley is on a comfort food binge after she didn’t win the all-star season of ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ Authorities recommend that you hide all your whiskey and Entemann crumb cakes and don’t answer your door if you don’t recognize who's on the other side.
    • Donny Osmond and Susan Boyle may be sleeping together. And we may be never keeping our lunch down again.
    National Enquirer
  • In Touch

    • It’s possible Tom Cruise has chosen to see his daughter over following the rules of Scientology. His therapist says he might be able to lower his dosage any day now.
    • In a new twist, Kim Kardashian may be suing Kris Humphries for millions. She'll just write herself a check out of their joint account.
    • One Direction is experiencing cougars, booze and naked pics. Which is way better than experiencing Taylor Swift.
    • Stars are ditching their diets and letting themselves go. Experts say we'll now be able to run faster than they do when the Zombie Apocalypse comes.
    In Touch
  • OK!

    • Kim Kardashian and some twins are part of a pregnancy shocker. We keep telling you, STOP FEEDING HER AFTER MIDNIGHT.
    • Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart say they aren’t splitting after ‘Twilight.’ They’ll just stay in the theater until the next movie starts so they can see it for free.
    • 'Teen Mom' Maci has a new show. Reps say a working title for the show is ‘This Is Dumber Than You Ever Imagined.’
    • Jennifer Lopez is looking pregnant with a baby bump. That's what she gets for eating a big lunch and going out in public.
    OK!
  • Globe

    • Camilla is back on the booze and went into a drunken rage over Kate Middleton’s baby news. When staff assured her that the babies will drink milk and not Heineken, she was appeased.
    • Fifty years after her mysterious death, we learn what it would be like if Marilyn had lived. She and Betty White would be starring in a weird remake of ‘The Parent Trap.'
    • Mitt Romney is involved in a divorce shocker since his wife has been pushed to the brink in a secret drama. An inside source says making her ride on the roof of the car was the last straw.
    • Richard Burton’s diaries reveal that Elizabeth Taylor used to beat him up. Between blows, she was overheard yelling, "Someday Lindsay Lohan's gonna play me! Someone has to suffer!"
    Globe
  • Us Weekly

    • Jessica Simpson is pregnant again. Maybe this time she'll just have a litter and get all her future pregnancies out of the way at once.
    • A desperate Justin Bieber is begging Selena Gomez to take him back. Because he just found out that Ellen is gay.
    • Suri Cruise is reuniting with her father Tom after three months. Sources say she plans to guilt him into giving her a pony.
    • Hilary Duff is in size 26 skinny jeans only eight months after giving birth. Non-celeb moms throw things at her from afar.
    Us Weekly