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Scott Disick Didn’t Father Kourtney’s Son, J. Lo Was Dumped, Kim Kardashian Is Faking Her Pregnancy + More in This Week’s Tabloids

The tabloids taught us a lot of very interesting things while we waited in line this week.
Life & Style, National Enquirer, Star, In Touch, Us Weekly

We read In Touch, Star, Us Weekly, the National Enquirer and Life & Style this week — so you didn’t have to. Feel free to thank us later.

We learned it’s possible that Scott Disick isn’t the father of Kourtney Kardashian’s son, Jennifer Lopez was dumped by her boyfriend-eographer who no longer felt like living rich, Kim Kardashian is faking her pregnancy, Bachelor Sean and fiancée Catherine are totes over already, and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.


In Touch

 
 
 
In Touch
In Touch

There is a new bombshell claim on the cover of In Touch this week. They went all Maury Povich and said that Kourtney Kardashian’s boyfriend Scott Disick is not her son Mason’s father. Exclamation.

And now her alleged former lover is demanding a DNA test because he says, “I just want to meet my son.” And just maybe get his former lover hands all over some of that kurrent Kardashian kash. We’re just sayin’.

Fun new cat fight alert! Jessica Alba cried “meow” and trashed Gwyneth Paltrow. We all know how cutthroat the Moms With New Recipe Books to Sell market can be. These two are fighting for the dollars of the six people on the planet who actually want to make and eat the healthy and “delicious” recipes we’re sure the famous stick figures created themselves. This could get interesting.

And guess what? Kailyn Lowry of ‘Teen Mom 2’ is pregnant again. Because, let’s face it, it’s not something you even need a GED to do. What can we say? She’s found a niche. Our high school internship certainly hasn’t netted us the obvious profit of Kaitlyn’s own hands-on experience of having babies for money and ratings.

Nene Leakes of ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’ is surprising us all by sharing all her wedding details. She’s going to wear a big, showy dress, at a big, showy venue, with big, showy decorations and a big, showy cake. She may or may not invite a groom to participate in the day. After all, a dude is the least important part of any expensive dream wedding.

Star

 
 
 
Star
Star

Star magazine decided it was important for us to completely lose our appetites, so they printed a bunch of photos of – only the female – scary-skinny celebs looking bony and skeletal. Maybe if they want people not to have eating disorders to confess, they shouldn’t put these mags on the racks in grocery stores where people actually, you know, buy food. We won’t eat ribs again, that’s for sure.

And if next week’s cover is “Celebrity Bikini Bods,” we’re calling shenanigans.

Anyway, if you can believe it (we totally believe it), Rob Kardashian was caught paying for sex. His entire family is, of course, embarrassed and angry that he spent money on sex instead of being paid to have it, thus breaking a time-honored family tradition.

Grab your tissues because Jennifer Lopez was dumped by boyfriend Casper Smart. Yes, they were still a thing. It’s not like she could expect him to ride around on her yacht and sponge off of her forever. The good news is that now J. Lo is free to date someone who’s not named after a friendly ghost.

Star is lucky to have the exclusive story of how Ann Curry is back on ‘Today.’ Of course, the five of you who still care are the same five people who are still watching ‘Today,’ so you already know that.

Us Weekly

 
 
 
Us Weekly
Us Weekly

Us Weekly has the standard issue Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn publicity pic but they cut right to the chase with the idea that one of the two is in love with a sex addict. We’re gonna go with Tiger as the sex addict here. Call it a hunch.

They also apparently had their reasons for hiding their romance for months, not the least of which is wanting privacy since they did this whole publicity thing. Oh, and Elin has a new billionaire boyfriend. Because hot.

Adrienne Maloof spoke to Us Weekly about the ‘Real Housewives’ reunion and “why I refused to face Brandi,” referring, of course to former castmate Brandi Glanville. She will neither confirm nor deny that one of her reasons for not wanting to face Brandi is that talking to her is like trying to reason with a block of cheese. A block of cheese that's been melted down and remolded several times.

Oh look! There’s some happy news that doesn’t involve any of the Real Housewives. The magazine is very exclaim-y over the fact that Hayden Panettiere is engaged. It turns out that true love can come to cheerleaders with random and frightening powers.

There are also 27 pages of the best celebrity makeovers of 2013. Of course, we’re only three months into the year, so it might be a bit premature to hand out the Best Makeover Award. Perhaps this means nobody else gets to be made over until 2014. Hey, Hollywood makeup artists -- take the rest of the year off.

National Enquirer

 
 
 
National Enquirer
National Enquirer

The National Enquirer has exposed something scandalous indeed. Fat Kim Kardashian is tricking us all with a “fake pregnancy.” If it’s in quotations, it has to be true, right?

Supposedly, she weighs 200 pounds, and is still gaining. Probably because she keeps eating those Photoshop ice cream cones. And she’s brilliant because somehow she’ll find a way to make millions from her phony baby belly.

The only unbelievable thing about this news is that there could possibly be anything Kardashian that we won’t see on TV.

Furthermore, Monica Lewinsky has had drastic plastic surgery and a $100,000 makeover. And, if the photos on the cover are any indication of the before and after differences, it appears she got ripped off and paid way too much money for a hair brush and some bright red lipstick.

Tim McGraw and Faith Hill have some shocking marriage secrets. There are other women, nasty fights and tears and lies. Heeeyyy, waittaminnite. This sounds just like the troubles Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert are allegedly having. We're starting to think the tabloids are making this stuff up and just swapping out the names.

Meanwhile, Don Rickles is in the midst of his sad last days. The 86-year-old insult comic is fading fast and apparently suffering from the terminal illness known as "being alive and nearer to death every day." Other than that, he’s in perfect health and can, clearly, still make really awesome faces.

Life & Style

 
 
 
Life & Style
Life & Style

We saved the best for last with Life & Style’s ‘Bachelor’ exclusive. Sean and Catherine are over already, people. That’s right, just two weeks after the fairytale proposal, explosive fights have left the couple’s wedding plans in ruins.

L&S has even included the signs that the pair were doomed all along. You know, signs like being thrown together on a reality show and having a relationship based on the whims of producers and TV execs.

In other failing relationships, Miranda Lambert has told Blake Shelton, “I won’t let that woman destroy us.” Or maybe Faith Hill said it to Tim McGraw. It's so hard to keep these country marriages with fake problems straight.

In other news, a new superhero named Pregnant Kim was humiliated in court. Salted nut rolls are her kryptonite and she melted down when security guards confiscated her stash, thinking she could use them as a weapon. Fortunately, her humiliation was short-lived as she quickly found a stash of snack cakes in her Fendi. This quieted Pregnant Kim, who coincidentally, wasn’t even expected in court in the first place.

There was even more reunion drama for the ‘Real Housewives’ when Adrienne Maloof decided to fight back after all. And by “decided” we mean “was told by producers that nobody would be interested in a RHOBH reunion if there wasn’t any drama and if she wants a cut of the dough she better sling some attitude.” Not that we recorded their conversations or anything. We're just smart and stuff.

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