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Olivia Wilde’s Dead Vagina Revived by ‘Marathon Runner Sex’ With Jason Sudeikis

JasonOlivia
Astrid Stawiarz, Getty Images

On Monday, actress Olivia Wilde participated in ‘These Girls,’ an evening of monologues hosted by Glamour magazine in NYC, where we all learned a little more than we probably wanted to about Wilde’s ladyparts.

For example, she experienced a sort of vagina-death during her marriage to an Italian prince, but her bits were revived thanks to her relationship with ‘Saturday Night Live’ funnyman Jason Sudeikis — since they have sex like Kenyan marathon runners.

Wait. What?

Addressing the failure of her eight-year union with Italian royalty Tao Ruspoli, Wilde says she declared her vaj DOA during their time together, adding in a priceless quote:

“I felt like my vagina died. Turned off. Lights out … you can lie to your relatives at Christmas dinner and tell them everything on the home front is just peachy. But you cannot lie to your vagina.”

(Well, you can try. But yeah, we find it has a pretty sharp sense of betrayal.)

However, all was not lost — seems Sudeikis was the human equivalent of defibrillator paddles because Wilde is “blissfully, hopefully, wildly in love” with the ‘SNL’ regular, probably because the twosome copulate “like Kenyan marathon runners.”

Jason the Vagina Resuscitator was in the audience as Wilde delivered her spiel, and was no doubt beaming — because how often does a man’s gorgeous, desirable girlfriend get on a public stage and purr about his sexual prowess? That’s what’s called “having a very good day.”

And Wilde — whose last name, it should be noted with irony, is actually Cockburn — wasn’t done yet. In order to keep the sexings hot, happy and healthy, she also discussed the rules for “Olivia Land.”

Honest to God, we didn’t make this up.

In Olivia Land, relationships can legally only last seven years, without an option to renew. That way it never goes stale. Can you imagine, if we only had seven years? We’d be so nice to each other, so kind, and appreciative and enthusiastic, like we were eating a really expensive bowl of pasta! And in Olivia Land people wouldn’t cheat nearly as much because there wouldn’t be the threat of spending forever with one bedfellow. It just wouldn’t be legal.

There’s the issue of kids … In Olivia Land, all the kids go to boarding school at seven. It’s like in ‘Harry Potter’!

I would [also] like to legalize prostitution. Hiring a sex worker in Olivia Land would be as easy, hygienic, and inexpensive as getting a pedicure. That way when away on business or just not in the mood, we could just hire a hooker for our loved one and keep them uninterested in cheating and keep them satisfied. These particular hookers would obviously have to be mute and possibly cross-eyed.

In Olivia Land, the streets are paved with dark chocolate, and all the people are free of body hair and menstrual cramps.

Chocolate streets? No stubble? No PMS? That’s it. We’re packing our bags and moving to O-Land.

So to speak.

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