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Miranda Lambert Is Having Twins, Charlie Sheen Is Changing His Name + More in This Week’s Tabloids

Us Weekly, Star, National Enquirer, OK!, In Touch

We read In Touch, Us Weekly, National Enquirer, OK!, and Star this week, so you don’t have to. (It’s a short week. We get it.)

And what’s new? Amanda Bynes has been destroyed by fame, Angelina Jolie has proven that people will talk about a woman removing her breasts as much as they will about one who’s added them, RPatz and KStew split, Miranda and Blake are having twins (between divorce rumors, of course), the Kardashians’ bank accounts are as empty as their souls — and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.


In Touch

 
 
 
In Touch
In Touch

Former child star Amanda Bynes edged out all the other screwed up celebs for cover focus in In Touch this week. She has been destroyed by fame. Clearly. You can tell she’s hit rock bottom because she’s been inviting strange men to her drug den at 2 a.m., she passed out on a dirty mattress – the thought! – and said, “I want a baby so I can be the next Kim Kardashian!

Bottom line is the strung-out starlet is thisclose to having her name become a verb for really screwing up your life.

Angelina Jolie has made a brave decision to have one more baby. We didn’t get the memo, but perhaps someone secretly switched the definitions of “brave” and “crazy” around when we weren’t looking. Like Folger’s crystals! That said, there’s nothing like scheduling ovary-removal surgery to make the ticking on the biological clock suddenly increase in volume and speed.

Another of Kim Kardashian’s prevalent alter egos, Vain Kim, is crying out in despair, “Even my feet are fat!” Vain Kim and Pregnant Kim have really been at each other’s throats lately -- one keeps getting more puffy in her delicate condition and the other can’t help but comment on it.

With all these alter egos, Original Kim could start her own ‘Survivor’ style reality show and vote parts of herself off the island.

In other vain Kardashian news, Khloe’s been slimming down, but is she going too far? She’s looking very svelte and pretty soon the other two sisters won’t be able to point at the “fat one” without looking in a mirror. On the upside, they don’t have to worry she'll ever be better at hosting reality shows than they are.

Us Weekly

 
 
 
Us Weekly
Us Weekly

Us Weekly provides candy for your eyes -- don’t worry, it’s sugar free -- with 42 pages of hot photos of the best bodies of 2013. It could also be called “Abs, Abs and More Abs.” Based on what we saw, we’ve decided to skip the beach this year and just sit in the sun on our postage stamp-sized balconies -- because nothing we see at the beach will be better than what we found on these pages.

Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have finally admitted publicly that they’ve split. They also generously sent the tabloids all their photos ripped in half. Of course, none of us is surprised by this news. After all, we were taught by Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall in the '80s that a man can only date a mannequin for so long before wooden conversation and an expressionless face drives him to befriend Meshach Taylor. It’s just too bad there was no magic spell to bring KStew to life. Maybe when she finds her true love.

Jack Osbourne is speaking out and said, “I found a reason to live.” We’re proud of him for fighting the good fight against MS, but he needs to also do a little bit of scrapping against plaid shirts and scruffy facial hair. Also, if he’s anything like us, his reason to live probably involves the 42 pages of hot photos in this issue of the magazine.

Charlie Sheen has changed his name. He’s going back to his original moniker, Carlos Estevez, for his next role. Sheen said he was doing it because in some languages, his birth name means Warlock from Mars Who Has Tiger Blood, and that seems way more awesome than Charlie. He also randomly and emphatically stated that it was not for tax evasion purposes.

National Enquirer

 
 
 
National Enquirer
National Enquirer

From the best bodies of 2013 to the botched bodies of 2013? We had to put down our Zone bars because the National Enquirer splattered its cover with one of the nastiest plastic surgery shockers collages known to man. It’s a little bit horrifying, a little bit fascinating and all kinds of nightmare. Once we started looking, we couldn’t stop, and now we can’t unsee the all new photos of who’s had plastic surgery and who hasn’t. That’s it, we’re putting this down and going back to the beach bodies.

Wait. Where were we? Oh yeah.

Despite the train wreck nature of the surgery photos, there are other stories in the National Enquirer. In fact, the father of Cleveland kidnapping survivor Amanda Berry tells all in one of them. He wasn’t there for the kidnapping and the 10 years that followed or anything, so we aren’t sure “all” is the right word for what he’s telling. But good job on the tabloid for milking the story for all it's worth.

Speaking of parents talking about things they aren’t really involved in, Brad Pitt’s mom does her part and speaks out about Angie’s painful mastectomy decision this week. She was all like, “Yeah, cutting off your boobs would hurt. Any woman could tell you that.” In next week’s issue, we expect Brad Pitt’s dry cleaner to speak out about the decision and its consequences on the family’s wardrobe.

Apparently it's Surgery Week in the Enquirer. Seriously, Liza Minnelli looks like The Joker, but this is no laughing matter. Based on the photos, gorgeous Melanie Griffith has gone from wholesome to horrific. And, in a very obvious “what went wrong?!” situation, both Brandi Glanville and Cyndi Lauper seem to be losing layers of skin and molting before our very eyes. It’s the most frightening way to skip lunch ever.

OK!

 
 
 
OK!
OK!

The new sweethearts of the tabloids, Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton, swing from break up to make up on a weekly basis. This week, the couple is having twins. Exclamation point.

That’s right, their dreams have come true as they celebrate their second wedding anniversary and probably the 100th week in a row that rumors of their split have been circulating. Next week, the twins will be getting a divorce after one of them cheats on the other with a friend of Blake’s in the music biz.

Because we haven’t heard enough about Angelina Jolie’s surgery, OK! wants to tell us why she kept it hidden. Clearly, Angie is a merciful soul and she kept it secret so we wouldn’t have to hear about constantly for months and months. And then, in a fit of sadistic passion, she wrote that New York Times article, probably feeling like it would be fun to have us all discussing her breasts, but not in a bad Hollywood boob job kind of way.

There’s a big announcement from J.Lo this week. She said, “I’m getting married!” Like anybody thought she wouldn’t. It’s J.Lo. She gets married as often as we have pedicures. (But our toes look way better afterward.)

Also, Jennifer Aniston is giving Justin Theroux a sexy wedding gift. Or he’s giving her a sexy wedding gift. Really, on their wedding night, they should both be givers, don't you think? It’s the right thing to do and a good way to start the marriage.

Star

 
 
 
Star
Star

Star has the obligatory Kardashian cover this week, and we were amazed to find out that the Kardashians are going broke. We were sad that their mouths were not also “broke.” (We slay us.)

Anyway, they are millions in debt and are being threatened by the IRS over unpaid taxes. Time to sue someone. Kim is still racking up $350,00 a month on credit cards and their financial advisor has been jailed for fraud. In the fall, expect a new reality show called ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ Kash Krunch.’

They’re blazing trails over at Star magazine with an article about the hottest bods on the beach. Some of the people, like Selena Gomez, are in their 20s, and some of the people, like Demi Moore, are in their 50s. All of the breasts are about the same age. Either way, it beats the scary surgery pics.

Matt Lauer is doing his best Empire impression and striking back at Ann Curry by saying that she’s a psycho. If that’s the case, we don’t think “Big Bird” was a very good nickname for her, because Big Bird always seems to be on an even keel. We’re surprised no one has called any of those involved “Oscar the Grouch,” because that seems far more appropriate.

Still, congrats to the ‘Today Show’ for doing what they can with sluggish ratings and a dwindling audience. Start a Kathie Lee and Hoda fight and we’re on board.

Finally, you can write it in pen because it’s official. 'Hunger Games' co-stars Liam Hemsworth and Jennifer Lawrence are in love. We know this because the Star managed to find a photo of the two together, looking at each other. This would never happen unless they were in love, you guys. Or unless they were working on a film together.

Oh, wait ...

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