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Lady Gaga’s Dirty Secrets to Stay Under Wraps Forever, Not Including the Mice in Joanne Trattoria

Pacific Coast News

Little Monsters, your paws may be up, but they better not be out.

No one knows exactly what Lady Gaga is hiding, and it’s going to stay that way. A court ruled that documents containing information that could severely harm the ‘Judas’ singer’s reputation and well-being have to be sealed from the public forever.

Speaking of paws, her family’s restaurant may want to seal their walls a little bit better, because mice are all over Joanne Trattoria.

First things first: Gaga’s mysterious origins, trailing back to her ex boyfriend and former producer Rob Fusari, will remain a mystery.

Gaga previously requested that the court seal documents that could severely damage her image, placing her in the middle of a lawsuit between her former best friend Wendy Starland and Fusari.

The court ruled in Gaga’s favor, and TMZ reports that Fusari also wanted the documents sealed, so whatever was in them may be harmful to him as well — and it implies that Starland has some real dirt on the pair.

As for what Starland may be keeping from the world, there are a few Little Monster theories: that Gaga owes Fusari and Starland money, that Gaga’s persona was a creation by Starland and Fusari and that a certain Stefani Germanotta was just cast in the role, that Gaga gunned for Lina Morgana’s identity after Morgana died (more on that here) — and even that she may have played a role in Morgana’s suicide, though that’s extremely far on the conspiracy nut continuum.

Though it’s now public knowledge, Gaga is probably wishing her family’s restaurant woes were sealed as well.

Joanne Trattoria, named after her beloved aunt, received an ‘A’ rating — then was promptly infested with mice the very same day (July 31).

Witnesses told Radar Online that mice were eating bits of bread on the floor and even walking up onto the restaurant tables, horrifying patrons.

Here’s hoping Gaga can say vamoose to the vermin — both literal and figurative — and just release ‘ARTPOP’ already.

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