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John Travolta Is Using His Scientology Powers to Heal People Now

John Travolta
Andreas Rentz, Getty Images

Thanks to the mystical alien powers of Scientology, John Travolta can now heal the sick, raise the dead and fly. Or at least “cure” injured people of debilitating pain thanks to a special super secret technique called “an assist.”

Yeah, we know. Just smile and nod. It’s safest that way.

In an interview, Travolta claims some nameless guy was suffering severe ankle pain after a car wreck. Pain that was made “noticeably better” after the “assist.”

Is that what the kids are calling Vicodin now?

In case you aren’t up on the latest in charlatan medical procedures, the Scientology handbook – which reads like stereo instructions – says an “assist” is a process in which a Scientologist helps individuals heal themselves by removing the reason for continuing the pain/condition and lessening their “predisposition to further injure themselves or remain in an intolerable condition.”

In other words, people are in pain because they want to be in pain. It’s totally their fault.

Travolta told the tale of his miraculous healing thusly: “People were standing around watching as I did [the assist]. You could actually see him confronting the pain and after a while he looked up at me and said ‘I feel better’ so I said ‘Okay end of assist.’”

And as lightning bolts shot from the heavens and the skies shook with thunder, Travolta flew off into the sunset in his ‘Grease’ car to keep a massage appointment.

And since he flies real planes too, he credits Scientology for not just his magical healing powers, but also for his 11 pilot’s licenses. “I’m a high school dropout,” he said. “Now, what are the odds of a high school dropout having 11 jet licenses? Not very high.”

And then, sounding like a late-night infomercial, he added, “Well, with just a little bit of Study Technology under my belt found I could totally understand the subject – and for that matter any subject that I chose.”

Operators are standing by! CALL NOW AND THE GINSU KNIVES ARE FREE!

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