In This Week’s Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Gaining Jessica Simpson’s Baby Weight, Lindsay Lohan Kicks Out Her Mom to Get Sober

Life & Style says we can love Jessica Simpson again because she lost 25 pounds of her unsightly baby weight in five weeks. If you don’t believe it, you should. She said it herself, “Yes, I did it!” She went on an “eat what you like” diet, did an easy and fun at-home workout and used a simple flat stomach trick. We hope that trick is sucking it in, because come on, nobody expects a woman to lose all her baby weight in just more than a month. We sorta wish she would have turned her nose up and stayed all cute and plump just to make the tabs mad.

By our calendar, it has been a few weeks since the last rumors of a pregnant Jennifer Aniston floated around, so it’s about darn time for new ones. This time, she brought it on herself by showing up to press events in tight dresses and sporting a round belly area. For her, it is a joy (even though she just calls it a little extra weight) and Jen can be proud of her bump. That is until it gets bigger than the tabs deem acceptable, and then they’ll mock her until she loses 25 pounds in five weeks and becomes worthy again. Jessica Simpson can tell her all about that.

It seems that Kim Kardashian is defying Kanye West and has come out of hiding. We aren’t huge fans of things Kanye suggests, but we thought this whole hiding thing was kind of a good idea. You can go back any time, Kimmy.

The (alleged) outlaw, Teresa Giudice, could be losing her children. Getting thrown in jail will do that to you. She could also be losing her access to plastic surgery if she ends up in jail. We assume she’s more upset about that, but we can’t tell because her face doesn’t move anymore.

Our favorite, uber honest talent show judge, Simon Cowell, is in the midst of a juicy love child scandal. And, this blabber-mouthed – although unborn – love child has exposed Cowell’s dirty secrets. Other than the pit stains on his collection of white shirts, that is. There are so many steamy details, the National Enquirer was pretty much smoldering in our hands.

There’s a cougar fight brewing in the land of the politicos. Angry Hillary – a fiery-eyed derivative of Hillary Clinton – attacked Barbra Streisand, saying, “You’re a back stabber!” The visual alone is enough to keep us entertained until at least next Wednesday. Apparently, the two women are in a bitter battle over the now controversial Clinton television miniseries, which focuses on Hillary when, hopefully, she was in a better mood.

Once again, the Enquirer delights in the horror and atrocity of the Cleveland kidnappings, being far too exclamatory about their new crime scene photos. We couldn’t make ourselves get that excited about whips, chains, bizarre costumes and the terrifying torture chamber. Not even a little bit.

The cougar wars continue as Jen Aniston warns notorious cougar Katie Couric with a snarl, “Stay away from my man!” We didn’t actually care about the real details of this (not at all silly sounding) story. We mostly just wanted to take a moment to imagine a Jen and Katie catfight or wrestling match, and then compare it to the Hillary/Babs fight and decide which one would be more awesome. The answer is both. They are both more awesome.

There are a lot of things wrong in this world, but perhaps the wrongest is that Teresa Giudice has been destroyed by fame and is now facing a life behind bars. Here’s a woman who should always be allowed to roam free. But, the poor thing has been accused of greed – what?! – lies and fraud. She is panicking as her family crumbles. We’ll eat our hats if a new show isn’t made about this within the next year.

In other news, Kim Kardashian is trapped with a madman. Kanye has snapped. Snapped, we tell you. This means there’s a side to Kanye that is even more insane than his public persona. Again, we feel another reality show coming on.

But wait, there’s more. Another woman who needs attention, Lindsay Lohan, has had to make a sad choice. As if it couldn’t get any worse for the starlet, In Touch tells us she’s had to decide between her mother or her sobriety. Somehow, we weren’t surprised to learn that Lohan’s real mother is a bottle of bourbon.

We did enjoy snuggling up with tell-all stories from Jenna Dewan about how Channing Tatum is the sexiest dad. We say, pics or it didn’t happen. Of course, we found the new mother’s statement of the obvious rather amusing. But still, pics please.

There’s no news like baby news, so OK! was excited to report that Angie talks twins! She was all, “Sometimes a mommy has two babies at the same time, and sometimes they look the same and sometimes they don’t.” Brad wasn’t clear on the topic. Once they realized he understood the concept, the whole family was so excited. Then they got over it and Angie and Brad got ready for their new arrivals. They ordered some new, matching Land’s End jackets, which should arrive any day.

The next Bachelor has been revealed. If you’re playing along at home, he has no discernible qualities from the last 13 Bachelors. We don’t have a crystal ball, but we’re predicting the same thing for the ladies who will be paraded in for his choosing.

Despite reports of a contentious and expensive divorce in past tabloid issues, we were led to believe that Kris Jenner is fighting to save her marriage to Bruce. This has been evidenced by photos of her eating her Wheaties just before meetings with lawyers and marriage counselors.

There is a body battle going on between Xtina and Britney. We can only hope it is as good as the fights between Hillary and Babs and Jen and Katie. Forget a show about Teresa’s prison time, this is reality TV we could really get into.

It must be the moon, because there are more girl fights in Star. This time it’s Khloe Kardashian. She attacked Lamar Odom’s new girlfriend, in a violent showdown at a motel. It just doesn’t get much more ‘Cops’ than this. According to “reports,” Khloe charged into the room, throwing punches and then the police were called as the fight spilled outside. This pretty much fills out our reality TV lineup for the fall.

We didn’t get to read them in the Enquirer because the article was full of the secrets the love child exposed, but Star has exclusive access to the secret love letters of Simon Cowell and his baby mama. She’s married. Which means she has no name, but is useful as a baby mama. Apparently. Oh, and she can write letters.

As is often the case in episodes of reality shows, the Teresa Giudice story has changed in mere moments. She is now confident that she is not going to jail, saying, “I’m not going to jail!” How does she know this? She betrayed her husband Joe, that’s how she knows this. We’ve never seen boobs that bing on a rat.

And, finally, the greatest question bouncing around the universe today is answered inside. Jen: is she or isn’t she? We found out. The answer is yes. She is or she isn’t.